Lazy Saturday

And then it was November

Another month has passed and I couldn't be happier! I finished my 5-week art history course on Thursday and I turned in my last lesson for my independent study class. I'm going to take the final on Friday and I will be forever done with that menacing pain in my ars. Woohoo! Now that I have these two courses done I've found myself with free time. I haven't been recently acquainted with this luxury so I've been sure to live it up the past two days. Maybe it will catch up with me, but I've really enjoyed relaxing. It's a lost art in this country. I've soaked in about all of the pop culture I can stand on MTV, E!, and VHI. Sadly, there were not any good Saturday afternoon 80's movies showing, but I still found entertainment. Along with catching up on the culture, I caught up on my sleep. I took two naps yesterday and stayed in bed today until 2pm. I love it! I feel awake without caffeine! That's how it's supposed to be darn it. Well, enough of this boring topic.

Yesterday was Halloween and I went to a most fabulous Halloween party dressed as a lady bug. It was at my friends Kate and Myndi's apartment. Kate is in the theatre department and thus it was a party full of fine arts kids. It was like a reunion from my fine arts days in college. I saw people I lived with my freshman year in FARC (Fine Arts Residential College), people I was in University Singers with and other choirs. It was really fun and a great way to end one crazy week. Megan Retka dressed as Margot Tenenbaum and the resemblance was almost scary. She won best costume overall and raved how she had never won best costume before! I stood in the crowded apartment living room and gazed at all of the faces and costumes surrounding me. As I just stood and observed I realized that I was among these upper classmen at the party and in fact, I was graduating before many of them. It was strange to see these faces from freshman year and realize the more aged, beat down, and wiser people among me were my peers. Freshman year seems like so, so long ago, yet the memories are still so fresh and dear to my heart. Last night was a reminder of where I came from and how the first year at Mizzou helped shape who I am today, graduating in a month and heading into the big unknown! I can't wait.

And then, of course, during the party I had to call Jason to see what he was up to this Hallow's eve. He's in Colorado visiting his brother Marco. They were playing video games after a long day that included having to hike down a mountain due to an offroad adventure gone awry. He was commenting on how different it was to be among all of these college freshman. They didn't sleep, they drank caffeine at 2am so the party could continue on and on. We laughed about how we had once been those same freshman and how we had wised up since then. It's amazing how much you grow up in 3 and a half years. I'm getting married for goodness sakes!
I wasn't planning on going to visit Jason next weekend, but now I'm not sure if I can make it a whole two weeks more without him. It's great to actually be at home in Columbia this weekend. I get to hang out with my friends, friends I won't be seeing much of pretty soon. I get to sleep in! I get to go to my church and meet megan and Myndi afterwards for breakfast at Ernie's. These are the times that make my college life so enjoyable, and I keep leaving them behind for Nashville or St. Louis, or even Texas at times! It's hard coming to grips with how much I love my life and my friends here but how much more I love Jason and the future life I have with him. As that future life is drawing closer and closer I am finding it harder and harder to be content here. I miss him so much that it hurts and no length of a phone conversation can make it better. So then I think, okay, I'll go next weekend. I'll just miss the bridal shower I was going to attend and hanging out with my friends, because Jason matters more. But it's just not that simple. I look at my friend myndi and her long distance relationship with Charlie. She's only gotten to see him once this semester and the next time she'll see him is Thanksgiving. They've been going apart for six or eight weeks at a time and I'm complaining about three? And then there's megan, who's boyfriend Jon is in England! She hasn't seen him in months and still has a month and a half to go until she'll see him at Christmas. There's no free long-distance after nine plan for them. How can I complain? I feel torn, yet I know I can't invalidate my own feelings because others have it worse than I do. It's hard and confusing and I'm just ready for this to be over! I want to walk down that aisle, say I do and start my life!

I had a dream the other night that it was my wedding day. I was trying to get ready but I was having to do everything else too. Is the cake here? Is the food ready? Are the servers ready? Where are the bridesmaids? After worrying about everything else I hadn't even had my hair or make-up done and the ceremony was quickly approaching. I found my mom and asked her if she'd help me get ready. We had to walk to another location for some reason and there was a big patch of mud in front of the door I had to walk through. I asked my mom to help me lift my dress so it wouldn't drag in the mud and this seemed to really put her out. I then proceeded to get mud all up my legs and my white pantehose were brown. As I was beginning to really freak out I woke up. "that was wierd" I thought, and the dream has haunted me in the days since. What did that mean? Do I feel like I'm doing this all alone? Do I feel like it's all going to blow up in my face at the last minute? I think subconciously I do, yet I can't worry about it because I have to keep my cum laude graduation status and try to figure out what kind of job I can get in New York City! I'm ready for one life, and one life only to focus on. Somehow I don't think that will ever happen, even when I do graduate and get married. Take it a day at a time, that's all I can do.