Being a Mom is Hard

Being a mom is hard. It's difficult for me to explain, because it's also wonderful, an enormous privilege and gift, and a joy. But it's just really hard.

I'm reading a fabulous book titled, I Was a Really Good Mom Before I had Kids. This book articulates everything that I feel about motherhood so much better than I can. One quote from the book is, "I love being a mom, I just hate doing it." Does that make sense? No, and yet, that's totally where I am!

I love my kids fiercely. It's a love I've never known before them. I enjoy them (most of the time). I think part of it is post partum hormones, part of it is exhaustion, but part of it is very, very real.

When I got married the day after our wedding I cried for 3 hours straight. I was so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from all of our family and friends, this big event had finally happened! And, it also began to sink in that I was no longer my own. I forever had another person to consider in all of my decisions. In a way, I was grieving the loss of my single self. I felt the full weight of the commitment I made to Jason and all that came with it.

I think I'm experiencing something similar in being a mom, but it's more drawn out. I am so thankful for my children. They are beautiful, wonderful, interesting, bright, healthy, happy, amazing kids. With kids though, I have had to say goodbye yet again to parts of me. Goodbye woman who wants 8 hours of sleep a night. Goodbye woman who likes to be able to go for a run, to the movies, hell, to the grocery store whenever she pleases. Goodbye woman who likes control and predictability. And really, that only scratches the surface.

Please do not hear me complaining about being a mom. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm just tired, and damn, being a mom is just hard, no matter what.

I saw this woman at the pool today with 5 children. 5. And she had let her oldest son bring a friend. Amazingly, she looked really happy. She was calm. She had a beautiful flow with her kids. They were a unit, in sync. Now, I don't doubt that this woman has her moments of flustered chaos, and I'm sure she could use a full night of sleep or better yet, a weekend away. But, she just looked really happy, and her kids looked really happy and I just wanted to approach her and ask, "excuse me, you look like you're doing really well here with your beautiful five children. I'm having a hard time with two. Can you help me? Please?!" I really do wish I was the kind of woman who could have five kids. I'm having to accept that that just is not me, and it's certainly not Jason! It's hard. That's all there is to it.