Honest Thoughts

I could have this baby in 4 weeks. This excites me so, so much but I'm sorry to admit that my excitement has to fight its way through a thick layer of fear. For Jason, his fear lies in becoming a father - wondering if he's mature enough, selfless enough, and knowing he's not at all knowledgable when it comes to taking care of one of these things. For me the baby part is what I'm excited about. I know how to give baths, change diapers, swaddle.... There are some unknowns such as, will this breastfeeding thing kill me or can I do it? Can I really have a natural childbirth? (I hope so) I'm already so tired getting up to pee multiple times a night, how much harder will it be to have to get up a feed a child and then hope it's feeling tired! So, there are some worries, doubts, but overall I'm excited about taking on motherhood. The fear for me is deep and it's dark and I have to fight it every day, usually throughout day. I'm deathly afraid something is going to go horribly wrong. That once again, there will be no baby to bring home. I've never faced something in my life that I'm not sure how I would overcome, how I would eventually return to myself after. This is so far beyond me that it chills me to the core.

In August some friends of ours in Colorado had a stillborn baby. She had had some complications in her pregnancy, but her doctor had felt confident the baby would be okay. Getting that phone call that little Lucy had died shook me to the core of my being and I think inside I'm still shaking. We had our first baby shower on Saturday and while I was very excited I was also, and still am, so guarded. I have to fight the thoughts of these baby things becoming a knife that stabs my heart if I have to come home without our little one. Our friends had to come home to a nursery, painted, decorated, clothes in the closet, diapers in the changing table. I don't think I could do that. I just feel like I would die - if not in body than in soul and spirit.

And so I fight. I fight to let myself be excited about setting up the changing table we were given, about finishing the painting I've started for our precious one, to look at the bassinett with anticipation instead of trepidation. I fight because I already love this little one so, so much and I don't want him/her to sense anything but that love from me. If you're a praying person, I covet your prayers - for this baby's health and safe passage into this world, and for this mama, who is fighting so hard to believe this amazing miracle is really going to happen and that this blessing can really come true. I feel like no woman has ever wanted a child so badly, but I'm sure most mothers feel this way. So, I fight the fear and I choose to hope. Hope and trust are all I have, and I cling to them with a firm grip because without them I fall apart.