12.22.2004

2004

I'm shocked to find it has been nearly a month since I've written. Somehow December always slips right through my fingers. I'm sure it's the whole holiday thing, but it feels like more than that. Another year almost over. 2004 was a year full of unexpected turns. Most have been fabulous, but all have brought their own set of challenges. My first year of marriage went by so, so quickly. We're trying to cherish this time in our marriage for we know it will not always be this simple. Jason and I, Sophie and Pedro making us a family. Someday we'll have kids and we won't be able to road trip on a whim or sleep in as late as we want. It's been a wonderful year of growing more in love every day and of being surprised at how much there is still to learn about this person I've chosen to spend my life with. There have been bumps along the way, but we always smooth it over immediately. We make it a point to never let the sun go down on our anger. There's a lot of freedom in complete honesty and emotion, even when it hurts.
2004 has been a year of adjusting to a new phase in life. The loss of the presence of close friends due to growing distances. Deciding how you can reconcile the old you to the new person you're becoming each day since you've moved away. Wondering if friendships can continue living in the present and not get stuck only dwelling on what was in the past and how lucky we all were to have each other. 2004 unexpectadly brought me back home to St. Louis. It brought special people much closer, and made me long for the ones who used to be here to return. It's been a year of finding out who I truly am and what I'm made of. It's been me finding out what I do with my spare time, spare time I didn't have in college or even high school. It's been a year of fighting against the grain to become typical and to fit into American society. It's been a time of fighting the urge to settle down and carve out a life that's simple or easy instead of pursuing what I love. It's been full of frustration, discouragement, doubt, wondering, yearning, grief, yet there's still much hope, much love, and a belief that I'm not the only one looking out for my life and its direction. I know I was made for a purpose and I've more than expressed my desire to fulfill it no matter what challenges it will bring. Now it is a matter of pushing through the doubt and frustration. Focusing on the hope and the passion instead of the inevitable obstacles. 2004 was a year of changes and I'm hoping that 2005 will be a year where I am stronger due to the previous experiences. A turning of the corner in my heart and in my actions. I want to call and write my far away friends more. I want to spend more time with the special people right here. I want to pursue my passions unafraid of the possiblity that they'll never be fully lived out. I want to live unafraid, unhindered -free. I don't want months to simply slip through my fingers. I want each one to count and to show steps in the right direction. I'm ready for a new year.

11.28.2004

rambling thoughts due to triptophan overload

The best part of Thanksgiving day this year was winning third place for my age group in the Gobble Wobble 5K. My prize was, appropriately, a chrome plated ice cream scoop. Oh yeah baby.

The best part of the holiday weekend was, getting to see Ashley Breitenstein in Columbia MO, along with Megan Crowley. It eased my missing college friends woes.

The worst part of the holiday weekend was (is), right now. I'm about to go to bed and morning brings another work week, and this one doesn't have a holiday in it. Reality Bites. (That's a good movie)

The bright side is, I think we're going to get a Christmas tree this week. That makes me happy! I just hope Pedro doesn't try to climb it. I have a feeling he will.

Ta Ta

11.24.2004

EWWWWWW

My Kitty has ringworm. Suddenly I itch all over. I let that thing on my bed!

Today we had our first snow. I should say we're having our first snow because it's still coming down! I am now officially filled with holiday cheer.

I made popcorn balls tonight for the first time. I am so domestic!

11.23.2004

"All Men are like grass" 1Peter 1:24

How can life not be taken for granted? How can a person appreciate each moment, each friend, each note, each kiss, every day - truly?

I still feel the warmth of those I call dear friends through emails, blogs and the occassional precious phone call. Yet I find that I'm aching inside and the worst is that I know these special people have left a hole inside that no one can ever fill or replace. The new friends just start a new corner in my heart because the old spaces are taken- occupied- forever. Should I have spent more time in dorm room conversations until 3am? Should I have done the bare minimum with my school work so that I didn't have to miss an unforgettable night out or a spur of the moment trip to Dunkin' Donuts? Freshman year I was so completely sleep deprived that while walking on campus on more than one occasion I truly feared I may collapse without a moment's notice due to utter exhaustion. Nights on the bunk bed talking with Myndi about everything until 4am when she had 8am Math 10. Learning how to ride a unicycle in the FARC hallway with Tim Murray. Trying to understand Music theory and write a proper melody with Chris and Kevin. Downloading on Napster until my eyes stung from the lack of blinking that occurs when staring at a computer screen entirely too long. Riding my bike home from the music building at 2am and hearing the birds singing in the trees like it was morning. The first snow on campus and the snow ball fights that came quickly after. The ice storm that left me flat on my butt in front of Lowry Mall. My first college house parties, the craziness of East Campus, the excitement of a new start, new friends that quickly became family.
I was so fortunate to effortlessly find friends that I connected with so naturally and that I bonded with so completely. Even if I don't talk to some of them for ten years, when I do, we'll still have tons to talk about. I ache because I fear that I will never find this again. I may have wasted some of the most precious time in my life; my time with amazing people. Rich in culture, different opinions, different talents and passions, all coming together into something truly unique and wonderful. I want one more night in the dorm room. I want one more party at apartment 105 or the Chat. I want one more Bible study with amazing women who dared to care about the truth and finding it for themselves. I hate to look back with regret on times in my life, yet in this situation I just can't get past it. If I ever didn't give you enough time, I'm so sorry. If I never let you know how special your friendship is to me, know today. I miss you terribly. I love you and you will always be on my mind and hold your place in my heart. Today, and lately, it's been aching.

Ladies of FARC, the Chateau, and the Nancy Anger Bible study, this one is especially to you.

11.04.2004

I might lose some friends over this

Or at least some of their respect. I voted for Bush. I am happy with the outcome of this election. Get the cross ready because for this I think my generation will crucify me.
I can't trust Jon Kerry, I just can't. I wanted to. I even tried for a while. I listened with an open mind and heart to what he had to say...I tried! I'm not a fan of every decision Bush has made, but I feel like even if he's made some mistakes, he is ultimately more genuine, real, and trustworthy. Kerry wanted to be everything for everybody, and I can't trust a person like that. Even if you disagree with Bush's positions, at least you know he'll stick to them and that he'll be the same person as president he was on the campaign trail. How was Kerry going to follow through on his big promises? It sounded good but he never had the plan, the resources, or even the support of the House and Senate that he would have needed to get it done. I feel like Kerry would withdraw from Iraq and leave the mess we've made unfinished and to me that is worse than going in there in the first place. I was not happy to go to war ( I don't know if I could ever be, even if it wasn't pre-emptive), but now that we're there we can't leave those poor civilians to clean up the ruins themselves.

The country is changing, the culture is changing. There aren't many concrete examples I can give you but to say that it's floating in the air and I think the next 20 years are going to be important, country changing, culture changing times. I hear songs of searching and emptiness on the pop radio. I hear spiritual themes bursting forth out of a culture of moral relativism and the emptiness it brings. People are realizing their lives are empty and the world is depraved and falling apart and I think they are looking for something to stand on. People are starving for truth, people are desperate to hear that everything will work out in the end, people want to know that life has a purpose, people want to believe that there is a God and He has not forsaken us. That's why I think Bush has been re-elected. He is a man who sticks by his convictions even when he is criticized for them. He is a man who is not afraid to claim his faith. These qualities encourage those Americans looking for something solid to believe in. Bush trusts himself to the one power in this world that actually can change things, and that's God. I respect him, and I just can't respect Kerry. I believe in absolute truth. I believe that what' s right for you might not be right for me, and it just plain might not be right! This doesn't make me close-minded, or naive, or judgmental. This means I have convictions, and I will stand by them as truth if I believe that God has laid them out as so. I believe that abortion is wrong. That alone makes me vote for Bush over Kerry. Kerry claims a Catholic background, but he doesn't stay true to his faith and convictions (if he really does have the Catholic convictions) and that to me shows he won't stay true to many of his "convictions" while he's in office.

I know it may seem bleak to those of you who despise or do not trust Bush. I can't imagine how I would be feeling if Kerry had won since I wanted Bush so badly. I'm sorry for those who are grieving, disappointed, maybe even hopeless for this country's future. All I can say is United we stand and Divided we fall. Even Kerry himself said that the country needs to heal, and the country needs to join together and a United front. We are all still Americans and those who would probably tell me I need to have a more open mind, may have to open there's wider now to try to trust Bush to lead us another four years. He's not going anywhere, so you might as well support him, at least with your prayers or well wishes. Again, I am really sorry for those of you hurting right now. I wish I could tell you it will all be okay, but I don't think that would console at the moment. I'll just say that I am confident that Bush is going to do everything in his power to make it okay, and lead our country with integrity and confidence and into unity in spirit if not unity in deeds. Today, I have hope for our Country's future. I hope others can too because it needs it.

10.25.2004

Ashlee Simpson made my day

First let me just say that this is my second try at this blog. I tried to publish my first blog, which I really liked, and it didn't work. I am now extremely angry, but am choosing to try again anyway.

On the way to work this morning I heard about Ashlee Simpson's Saturday night live mishap and it made my day. That girl cannot sing and the only reason she has a record deal is her stupid sister Jessica. Jessica can actually sing, I'll give her that, but Ashlee. Come on people. I saw her perform live on TRL once and she should have used a back up track it was so bad. There are too many talented musicians out there who deserve platinum albums and little girls need a better role model than her. So, I feel like she got what she deserved Saturday night, because she didn't earn any of this fame. I think this makes me a mean person, but oh well, it's the truth.

Today felt like spring outside but looking around it is definitely autumn. The fall leaves are in their prime with reds, oranges, yellows, and browns. The bright colors against a beautiful blue sky solidify this as my absolute favorite season. All these colors make me happy, even when the sky is grey like most of last week.

Go Cardinals! Jason and I had the great privelege of being in attendance last Thursday night at game 7. We got to see an amazing catch by Edmonds, a crucial base hit by Pujols followed directly by the game winning home run by Rolen. It was the most amazing sports moment of our entire lives, and for life-long Cardinals fans it just doesn't get any better. We were hugging complete strangers, I was off the ground a couple of times, and tears actually came to my eyes I was so darn excited. So far the world series has been a little shaky, but I still have confidence in our boys. Go Cards!

We got a kitty! We had been looking here and there for a perfect feline friend for Sophie and I found him at the mall last weekend. It's so funny to buy an animal in the place one usually goes for clothes, perfume and makeup. I had to buy a wedding present for my bosses friend, so while at the mall I took a peek at a store I had never noticed before, "Adopt a Stray" and that's what I did. The moment I saw him I knew he was the one. Why, well first of all, he matches Sophie. He is all white with brown ears, just like Sophie. And, he has beautiful blue eyes. He's adorable, and he's extremely cuddly, playful and social. Basically the exact opposite of the cat I lived with in college. When I pet Pedro (that's his name) he purrs, he rubs against my legs, he rubs his cheek on my cheek- he knows how to accept and give love. Cassie tried to bite my hand off, my face off, my eyeballs out- any damage she could do- just for petting her. Pedro has restored my faith in kitty cats. It's so funny to me how much joy I get out of a cat and a dog, but I just do. Our little family feels complete and Sophie has someone to play with while we're gone at work all day. They are actually already friends and it's just stinkin' adorable. I'm not becoming one of those wierd animal people right? Right...

Finally, let me just say how happy I am that the election is now only one week away. I've been sick of this election since about April, so I'm ready for it to be over. I am very excited to vote and I think I've muddled through all of the negative ads to figure out the best cadidates for local offices. I'm ready. Are you? Everyone needs to vote. Everyone, no matter what. I don't care if you don't like the candidates. I don't care if you're in a car accident on the way to the polls. Vote. Exercise your precious right. Do it. If you choose not to, please don't tell me because if you do I will have to try very hard not to tell you that you are stupid, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Vote. For you, for me, for your feelings. Please. It's that simple. Thank God it's almost over. Ahhhh! vote.
Let's hope this got posted!

Ashlee Simpson made my day

On the way to work this morning I heard about Ashlee Simpson's mishap on Saturday night live and it put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. When I heard her perform live the first time on TRL it was awful- she should have used a back up track- and I wondered how this girl got a record deal. I later found out she was Jessica Simpson's sister and from then on everytime I here her I get angry. There are too many talented musicians out there who actually deserve a platinum album. So, I felt like she got what she deserved, and it made me happy. I think I'm a mean person.

Today felt like spring, but as I look out the window I see orange, red, yellow, brown, green and a beautiful blue sky. Autumn is hands down my favorite season and the beauty of the changing leaves just makes me happy.

We got a cat! We named him Pedro. The best part is that he matches our dog Sophie. They are both white with brown ears. The two are actually playing together a lot and seem like they'll be good friends. Now we don't have to feel so guilty when we leave Sophie all day to work. She has a friend! Our family feels complete. It's so ridiculous that I get so much joy out of animals, but what can I say- I just do! Oh, and the best part about Pedro is that he is loving and affectionate. When I pet him he purrs, rather than hissing at me, or biting me, or punching me in the eyeball with his paw. I think I needed to have a good dog in my life to erase the memory of my train wreck of a dog Sunny, and I needed a good cat to erase the damaging experiences I had with Cassie the psycho cat who would not return my love. Sophie and Pedro have restored my faith in the animal kind.

Go Cardinals!!!!! Jason and I got to go to game 7 last week at Busch Stadium and watch the Cardinals clench the National League and get their ticket to the World Series. Both of us have been Cardinals fans our entire lives (Jason was raised a Cardinal fan even in Texas) and it was the most exciting sports event of our lives. The crowd was so electric, I've never felt anything like it. It was seriously the most exciting day since our wedding (but our wedding was still better). We were hugging complete strangers when Rolen hit his homerun and I was so excited tears actually came to my eyes. It was fabulous. Even though they lost the first two games, I have not lost hope. Go Cards!

Finally, may I say that I am so thrilled the election is only a week a way. I am so sick of politics. I am very excited to vote and I've figured out everything down to the local offices. I'm ready and I'm so nervous to see the outcome. I just can't wait for it to be over. Ahhhhh! Vote, no matter what people. Even if you don't like any of the candidates for any office. Even if you have a 104 degree fever. Even if you've never voted in your life. Even if you get in a car accident on the way to the polls. There is no excuse for not exercising this precious right to vote and if you choose not to, don't tell me because I will have to strain very hard to not yell in your face that you are stupid. Thank you, God bless, and good night.

10.10.2004

An explanation of sorts

For those of you who read this last blog, I feel I owe you an apology. It was pathetic and rather unexplained blahness. Has anyone else ever had a point in their life where they feel like things are going okay, yet they're not going anywhere? My last blog came as a result of frustrations. The move to St. Louis has been really good. We have a good place to live, we're working for good people, the neighborhood is beautiful- especially with the leaves beginning to change. I started my new job this week as the administrative assistant for the Center for Biblical Counseling and Education. I wasn't all that excited about being a secretary before I started, but this week I was pleasantly surprised and relieved to find that I enjoyed myself every day. Just about every counselor there let me know how glad they were to have me. Their last secretary quit suddenly about a month ago and it left everyone scrambling around to pick up the pieces falling that she usually took care of. It's great to be in a place where you are truly needed, and appreciated. I can do my job every day knowing that even if it is a mundane task, I am contributing to a great ministry and freeing these counselors and mediators up to do some very meaningful and life changing work. It's cool.
So I guess all of this focus on the positive hasn't explained the pissy blog entry. Basically, I'm feeling frustrated with life at the moment. I feel a lack of direction. It's not my life ambition to be a secretary, even though at the moment it works out wonderfully. And then there's Jason, who hasn't been able to find a job yet. It's really hard because when you're searching for a real job, you don't want to go get a blow off job just in case an interview finally works out. It's hard to put time and energy into finding a job when you're already working one, that you probably don't like. Jason has had some good contacts given to him here, contacts that seemed promising. But, so far, nada. One man told him he would love to hire him, but his small company didn't have the extra funds to do so. He's going to use him on a production by production basis, which is good, but not something to get up and do every day. I can tell that jason is getting frustrated and restless, which makes me frustrated and restless.
We have been fortunate to be given a dog sitting position with the next door neighbors that pays $30 a day to play with and take care of Tank the labrador retriever. This does include getting jumped on and slobbered to death by the 100lb tub-o-fun, but it's well worth it. This has given Jason a kind of job, and then there are the kids in the afternoon. But like me, he's looking for more than child care and dog sitting.

So, I'm feeling a bit blah and frustrated lately. Nothing to really worry about, yet enough to toss and turn over every now and then instead of sleeping. We have had one fabulous saving grace lately, and that is video on demand. We can access the entire HBO library and are almost finished with season six of Sex and the City. We have thoroughly enjoyed these ladies lives and can never watch less than two episodes at a time. So, when life gets rough, at least there are more fun and exciting lives to watch on tv! This too shall pass, I know it will. I'm ready for something real.

9.26.2004

Blah

Every blog I read is cooler than mine. What does it all mean? Oy, seriously... I hate times of change. That's all I have to say right now.

p.s. What the heck am I supposed to do with my life? I've been wondering about that for about 20 years now, and I'm getting impatient. blah.

9.20.2004

That little aura test is spookily accurate

So, just when you'd given up on me blogging about moving to St. Louis, here it is. Not so soon as I had promised, but being written none the less. So, Jason and I are now living in an apartment above a garage behind a mansion in Ladue. Ladue is the wealthiest part of St. Louis. We are living on the grounds of a country club, so there's a big beautiful golf course across the street. It's nice and dark and quiet at night and all around beautiful. We get to live in this luxurious neighborhood in return for helping in the afternoon with the three kids who live in the mansion- Jon, 13 Isabelle,10 and Anna, 8. They are great kids and are the grandchildren of former senator Jack Danforth, who is now the ambassador to the UN. No pressure. Actually, the family is fabulous. They are really down to earth and so far I have enjoyed running them to this practice and that and helping with pre-algebra homework... it makes me feel smart. Anyway, we feel incredibly blessed that God dropped this incredible living arrangement in our laps. We don't have to pay rent, we just have to carpool kids. You can't beat that. And we get to live in an incredibly beautiful area. The apartment we're living in is bigger than the one we lived in in Nashville. It's an all around great deal. As soon as we find jobs, we'll be set!

So, the little aura quiz I posted a few posts ago has actually given me insight into my personality that I hadn't noticed clearly before. Could it be that an online quiz on aura's has truly enlightened me? I guess crazier things could happen. The quote in my aura that caught me off guard was the following: "They are not fond of working hard but will do so if it gains them a prosperous life." After I read my little aura I thought to myself that this part of the description was way off because I'm a really hard worker. But then it kept coming back to my mind and I kept thinking about how it was phrased and now after being out of a job for a week I've realized that there's a lot of truth to the statement. I am a hard worker- I get tasks done efficiently and I do an excellent job. I try my hardest, I work hard. However, when given the choice to work hard or do nothing, I choose to do nothing. This week I've thought about things I could have gotten done last week with the rare and valuable free time I have right now not working. I didn't do any of it. I watched cable, I slept in, I went to sibling's sporting events. I didn't work at all. Sunday and Monday Jason and I moved all of our stuff here and arranged a lot, cleaned a lot, unpacked a lot and by Tuesday night Jason was done unpacking and I only had two boxes left. I left those stupid boxed packed, which had my clothes and my shoes in them, until Friday night. And then I unpacked them because Jason's parents were coming the next morning. Why did I wait so long to unpack them? Because it wasn't crucial that they be unpacked immediately, so I chose to watch Ellen. What the heck? I feel kind of bad just laying around and not being productive for more than a day or two, and yet I don't feel bad enough to go do something about it. So, I think that part of the aura thing was right about me and I never even realized it until now at 22. I don't like to work, but I will if it needs to be done. Crazy. That's probably why I like to sleep a lot too. I guess I had better continue taking online quizzes to find out who I really am. Who knows, I could be destined to be a ninja and not even know it until I take the right quiz. Oy. This blog is another great example of my lack of motivation I guess. I don't have a good excuse why my posts are few and far between at times, I just don't make myself do it. I want to work on this.

8.31.2004

Guess What!

We're moving to St. Louis in two weeks. More details to come...

8.30.2004

I always seem to kill plants, but whatever...

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8.28.2004

80 years and one day

I sit here and think about how much has changed in my life within the last year- even the last six months. Then I think about how much has changed in our World technologically, diplomatically, politically, environmentally, socially, in the past five years, the past ten years, and so on and so forth. Every day holds the potential to bring a new turn that was never expected; that can change the course of one man or an entire nation's life, in seemingly an instant. September 11, Kennedy's assasination, Normandy, the invention of the internet, the telephone... so much, such little things, at times can make such a huge impact. Some people roll with change as if they were in a raft on the tranquil sea. Others greet each change life brings with apprehension and a longing to hold onto the past-paralyzed at the thought of a new way of life becoming the norm. If I was born eighty years ago yesterday could I even count in my head all of the changes I had seen in the world during my stay? Could I have weathered the hardships of the Great Depression, could I have put on a brave and patriotic face during World War II? Could I have changed along with each pivitol decade- the "happy home" of the 50's, the rebellion of the 60's, the drugs and disco of the 70's, the recession of the 80's, the sex saturated culture of the 90's, and now the new millenium and all that is expected to come along with it. Could I have been born on August 27th, 1924 and be a successful, loving, well-rounded individual today? To quote Mordecai in the book of Esther, "...And who knows but that you have been born for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

August 27th, 1924 was the day that my grandfather was destined to be born. He was made for a time such as this. A century that was so revolutionary in so many ways. Eighty years that have taken him from the icebox to the refrigerator, the wash basin to the washer and dryer in his home. Times of need to times of overwhelming plenty. Times of morality to times of moral relativism, absolute truth to questioning everything. He has rolled with the punches amazingly well and he is a man to be admired. A soldier in WWII serving in the navy, a father of three, a husband for the past 50 years. My grandpa worked hard and has lived out the American dream. He made a good life for himself and his family. He was a provider, a father, a grandfather, a husband, a friend. He still is all of those things today- he hasn't missed a beat. Of all of his accomplishments over the past eighty years, I believe his family is the one of which he should be the most proud and the most thankful. A family is a lasting legacy of a man and his wife. It is who will carry on his memories and his successes into the future, and his legacy will not be forgotten or go unthanked. Speaking from personal experience, I have known my grandfather as one of my biggest fans. Present at all of our baseball, basketball, volleyball, track meets, choir concerts, dance recitals, birthdays, christmases, Easters, thanksgivings. He gave us our first taste of sugar when we were still under age one by putting whipped cream on his finger while mom wasn't looking. He took us to McDonalds for an after school snack! The pantry is always full and it's all for you. He loves to watch golf, he loves to talk politics, he loves to have his weekly morning breakfast with his friends. He is a presence in my life still today, and an entire room could not contain all of my childhood memories that include him. Happy memories. Good times. A man who has lived a successful eighty years, despite all of the obstacles that stood in his way. He has made a lasting impression on my 22 years, and will continue as he lives each day. I pray my children will get to know him. He would say that he can't afford to live another 20 years, but I hope it's in him- I can't imagine life without him, and I don't want to.

I love you grandpa, and I pray that in this eightieth year and in the many years to come, God will grant you the serenity and joy that is found in the hope of His love through his son. He loves you so much, even more than me, and he put you here on August 27th, 1924 for a reason, and will keep you here with us until He can't stand it anymore and just has to have you home. Thanks for letting me spend the night at your house every Friday night. Thanks for taking me to Buster Brown shoes and always getting me a puch balloon. Thanks for taking me to Six Flags and waiting for me in the blazing heat while I enjoyed Looney Tunes Land. Thanks for giving me a dollar if I got a hit. Thanks for coming to my choir concerts even though they were boring and the seats were uncomfortable. Thanks for helping me get braces so I have a pretty smile. Thanks for the thousands of dollars I'm sure you have so graciously poured into my life. Thanks for being present, always. I love you so much, Nat

8.09.2004

Random Details

Yesterday driving home to Nashville from St. Louis, I decided to listen to an artist from every letter of the alphabet on my ipod. It went something like this:

Avril Lavigne (guilty pleasure)
Butterfly Boucher (she opened up for Sarah Mclachlan and is fabulous, buy her album)
Coldplay
Death Cab For Cutie
Everclear
The Flaming Lips
Garbage
Harry Connick Jr.
Interpol
Justin Timberlake
Kent
Lauren Hill
Miles Davis
Nick Drake
Ours
Patti Griffin
Queens of the Stoneage
Radiohead
Sarah McLachlan
Thursday
The Used
Venus Humm
Weezer
And You will know us by the trail of the dead

I don't have any bands in my ipod that start with x or z. Does anyone know of any good bands that start with these letters?

So, my brother Chris and I tried out for American Idol this past weekend in St. Louis. We camped out next to the dome on Friday night and ended up pretty close to the front of the line. We were the second group to be auditioned on Sunday. Unfortunately, we were not what they are looking for, but it was a once in a lifetime experience, and I just had to give it a try. It's the easiest record deal in the world. Oh well, guess I have to do it the hard way.

There's a little girl who lives across the street from the house I nanny at. Her name is Caroline and she is 4 years old. I would just like to share that not once this entire summer have I seen her in a normal outfit. Today she came over in an ice skating leotard and tights. She has also come over before in gogo boots and a mini skirt, a snow white costume, a flower costume, a wedding dress, and a myriad of other interesting and creative outfit concoctions. It makes me laugh every time she comes over in something new. I think she's going to be cool when she grows up.

Monday night football tonight. The season is nearly upon us. Oh yeah baby. I love it.

Go Cardinals, we're going to the World Series, I've got a feeling.

Maggie is turning four tomorrow. Party time.

7.30.2004

The worst feeling in the world and yet...

The worst feeling in the world is to know what you were created to do, but to be unsure of how to do it for the rest of your life. And yet, it is the most amazing gift in life to be so sure of your calling that you know you will literally go crazy or die inside if you don't spend the rest of your life pursuing/doing that thing.
And this is why I've had trouble sleeping at night lately.

But there is this:

"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." ( Deuteronomy 6:4-6) "So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today- to love the Lord your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul- then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and oil. I will provide cattle, and you will eat and be satisfied." (Deut 11:13-15)

And this is why I can sleep peacefully tonight.

The event that brought my unravelling and then recovery was the Sarah McLachlan concert I went to on Wednesday night. She is without a doubt my favorite female artist ( with some very close seconds, but that's not the point). She is amazing. An amazing song writer, incredible singer, fabulous performer, graceful and humble in appearance and beautiful. Everything as a musician and performer that I would hope to be. When I go to such a fantastic concert it is always moving for me and a spiritual experience, whether the music is spiritual or not. When I go to a concert that is great I am reminded of what I was born to do and the desire to be up on that stage almost overwhelmes me. It is a calling I have accepted, but many times I am still uncertain of what I'm supposed to do with it. Am I supposed to be an artist like Sarah, or like Nichole Nordeman. Or am I supposed to just lead worship in a church. I feel that my heart must be content to do any of these things, but the real thing I need to be content doing is loving the Lord with all of my soul, my heart and my strength. This is what He tells me to do in His word, and then He can give me what I need. He has given me obvious gifts, strengths and passions. They are not there to haunt me, but to be used. So I'm trying to use them the best I can, and hold on to my sanity until His next steps in my purpose are revealed.

Big time stuff.

7.07.2004

So I sit here...

It's funny. The days that I have to work I think to myself how nice it would be if I could just stay home and do nothing. Jason had surgery today on his left leg so I now have no choice but to sit at home with him and not do much other than give him his pain killers and put ice on his leg for him (since he's knocked out cold by the pain killers).
I've been given what I think I would like to do instead of work and I'm bored out of my mind! First of all, with no cable, daytime television is about as boring and pointless of an activity as I can imagine. Unless of course you enjoy watching hicks in a sick family love triangle beat each other up on Jerry, an 800 pound man on Maury, or deadbeats on judge judy, judge brown, or whatever other judge has sold out to daytime television. Then of course there are the soap operas, but I don't need to explain why they suck.
I watched hackers since I hadn't seen it since I was about twelve. Normally I don't mind sitting around, reading, watching a movie, yada yada yada, but today I am antsy! Maybe it's because I'm not doing nothing by choice, I have no choice but to do nothing. Maybe it's the grande Chai Mocha I had at 10 this morning. Should have only gotten the tall. What was I thinking! Who knows. So now I'm typing, and even that's kind of boring.

I'm ridiculous.

Jason is really sweet when he's on drugs I must say. When he was coming out of the anesthesia he kept telling me how wonderful and beautiful I am, and he keeps thanking me for taking care of him. As if I wouldn't! It's funny to me, but also kind of endearing.
Sophie is currently crashed out on the floor covered in dog slobber from the dog park. It's quite gross, but she has such a good time being bitten on the head. So, my dog and my husband are out cold and I am wired. Oy! I've gotta find something to do other than sit here. Until next time...

7.03.2004

Independence Day...

As I survey the dreary skies this holiday weeekend, I can't help but think about the Bridgeton 4th of July parade. Will it carry on despite the ever present threat of showers? The boy scouts with their decorated bikes riding past, feeling cool to be a boy scout for the first time. The giant Schnucks shopping cart with the huge engine that makes me hold my ears when it revs up. I remember the year that they threw fresh produce off of the cart. We caught an eggplant. I was mezmoriezed by this large purple vegetable that had flown from the sky, and I couldn't imagine how it would taste. I think it was the only eggplant that ever graced our home. There's the Pattonville marching band, and pom squad, and cheerleaders, and all of the poor little girls from pom camp that thought marching in a parade would be cool, even in the stifling heat and humidity that St. Louis is faithful to bring each fourth of July. As they stumble past now you can see in their eyes they feel they've made a huge mistake after the first block. We see them as the parade is almost over and inevitably there is a red faced woman with water trying to make sure the little ones don't collapse.
Then there is the church float that has Jesus. It never fails to shock me as I try to stifle my giggles as he and his devoted followers float past. Sometimes he even has blonde hair. Priceless.
There are the clowns that come out of nowhere who still scare me to this day. They don't really do anything but wave with their painted on grins and blank staring eyes, and come dangerously close to trying to give me a hug or shake my hand or something horrifiying like that. Of course we have the Shriners. This interesting group of old men ride their little cars down the road like they're sporting new Mustangs and never fail to go down to two wheels and drive in a circle right in front of us.
The fire department and police department make a startling appearance with their many emergency vehicles and for some reason think it's cool to blare their horns and sirens to the people standing 20 feet away. The babies cry and the dogs bark and howl. I hate this part, but in some masichistic way, it just wouldn't be the same without it.

Aside from all of the floats and groups walking past, trying to hold their smiles, ration their candy, and wave at the same time, my favorite thing to watch at this parade is the spectators. Once a year the entire community comes together to say hi and show some Bridgeton pride. A community that now has been torn apart by supposed "human progress" in the ever shady airport expansion, still comes together. In the earlier days it was to say, "we're here and we ain't leaving". Now it's to see the people who used to be your neighbors and find out where they've ended up.
There are the kids with grocery bag in hand, determined to single handedly fill the entire sack with candy, no matter how many two year olds get in their way. The men sit around reveling in the one day they can justify drinking beer and smoking cigars at 10am. All of the neighborhood dogs are straining on their leashes to say hello to each other, and sometimes manage to break away and chase a float, or God forbid, an actual parade participant.
There was one year when a certain young fellow from the Lifeguard float thought it would be funny to jump off the float to dump water on me. Well, when I jumped up to chase him with some water of my own, my 80lb lab mix without much sense, but a sweet sense of loyalty to me, decided to join in the chase. I stopped running and couldn't help but laugh at the sight of this young flirt running scared as my portly dog showed amazing speed, teeth bared, ready to bite his shorts off. Of course she was not successful in this chase, but that entire section of spectators forgot about the passing floats for a moment and all attention was on us. Once again, priceless.
I love the Bridgeton 4th of July parade. It was one of the landmarks of the summer. It marked a kind of half way point and it was just so much fun. Each kid gets antsy at about 9am and starts begging to just walk down there early. To get a good seat-just in case they're moving faster this year. Each parent grudgingly gives in at about 9:30, even though it's a ten minute walk down there. Kids ride in wagons sitting on top of lawn chairs and coolers. Those who are wiser drive and fight for a parking spot in the old Dariy Queen parking lot, which now is a bar.
As a child I thought the excitement came from the parade itself. Waiting, dying for the parade to reach our spot on the sidewalk, the same spot every year. Every child jumping up at the first siren audible from the police on motorcycles, leading the parade. I know now that the excitement that welled up in me then, and that still would today should we brave the omnious skies, is the comfort in the familiar, the faithful, and the somewhat sacred coming together of a community that raised me. A community and neighborhood that barely one childhood memory does not contain. Independence day celebration, community celebration. The community spirit is still free, even though the houses are gone. I guess as a child the parade represented that community being alive and well, and today it represents the spirit that still lives on without the houses to hold it.
Pretty pathetic nostalgia over a 5th class parade, but it's the parade I love for the country I love, with the people I love. What can I say. Priceless.

6.14.2004

In the place I love the most

I'm here in beautiful Colorado Springs with our fabulous friends Chad and Sara and I'm asking myself, "Why don't we live here?" We just might have to do something about that. Jason and I visited Eagle Lake, saw familiar faces, hiked familiar trails and got to hang out with Marko who is now working at the camp as well! I don't think I'm going to be able to walk tomorrow because of our 12 miles covered in the last 24 hours on top of the fact that I'm just not in the greatest shape right now. We still plan to hike a 14er with Drew and Debby this week, but I'm not yet convinced that I'll survive the trip. I just love this place so much. Even if we're not in the mountains hiking, its just fabulous to drive down the road and see them in the distance. They're so majestic and so spiritual. I just can't help but be giddy in this place I love it so much.
So, I'm a nanny now for a 3 year old named Maggie, who I love, and a 5 year old named Matt, who I love when he's not beating up Maggie =) Those big brothers, always trying to prove something. It's funny though, the more time I spend with children, the less I want my own. I better stop hanging out with kids all the time soon or little Jason Junior may never come into existence! Jason is working at an outdoor store now which is fabulous for him on many levels. He can walk to work in 7 minutes, he timed it, he gets to sell stuff he thinks is cool, he gets to work with cool people, and he gets a fatty discount. Oh yeah.
The only current problem with Colorado is that Sophie the dog is not here to enjoy it with us. I miss that little dog so much! I don't need children as long as I have Sophie. Until next time...

5.23.2004

Oh Crap

So, I just wrote a blog, and then tried to publish it, but the site has a completely new format. When you hit publish, you lose your blog. I am now upset and will try to blog tomorrow. Poop.

5.03.2004

Third graders can be quite a frikin' handful

Hi, my name is Mrs. Wilson and I will be your teacher today. (Please don't give me a hard time) They never really follow through on that request. I've become quite the popular subsitute at Chadwell Elementary and I keep wondering how this happened. I don't particularly like elementary school kids. I would take high school over elementary school any day and if I was called for a Kindergarten job, I would flat out refuse it. Those kids are crazy, you don't even know. Beginning last Tuesday I became Mrs. Hudson, the third grade teacher. She asked me to teach for her Tuesday through Friday, the principal had recommended me. Okay.... This class had a reputation and I can see why. I finished on Friday relieved and a little exhausted, but proud of myself because other teachers told me that I had more control of the class than their regular teacher! But, oh the cruel joke, it was not over. I was called yesterday and the woman I guess decided she liked time off a lot. So, I begrudgingly accepted the assignment for ms. hudson's class today and tomorrow because I didn't want to put some poor unsuspecting sap substitute through hell the next two days with a challenging class and no lesson plans. Why am I a nice person?
It actually makes me sad because they're really not bad kids at all. They've been told that they are bad all year by their miserable teacher who needs to retire, and now they believe it and don't try to be any better. It's sad. These kids are already giving up on themselves and they're nine years old. I don't know if its silly to hope that I can make a difference in their lives in one week and one day, but I'm trying as I'm stifling the screams that want to come out when one child is out of his seat AGAIN!!!!! And "she called me Biscuit, or Big Nose, or Stinky, or whatever the heck insult bothers a third grader", is called my way for the 100th time. I'm telling them they are good kids, and I'm trying to prove it to them every day with mercy, consequences only when they deserve it, and rewards when they deserve it, and sometimes even when they don't. I like to give them a break. Anyway, I'm not sad that tomorrow is my last day with them, but I am sad that their futures might already be jaded by one burnt out teacher.

I saw Patty Griffin in the rain on Saturday at River Stages here in Nashville. Inspiring to say the least. I could listen to her all day. It made me really excited to play on May 14th at the Artisan- come one come all! (shameless self promotion)

4.21.2004

Its been a while

Time slips by so quickly and quietly at times. I feel like I've had to have missed a few days or something for it to already be April 21st. I just saw part two of Kill Bill and it was fabulous- if you don't mind some gory revenge. For some reason I find great movies such as this one, even with its violence, inspiring. I understand movies. I can usually tell where they're going next and the thought behind the plot. I find myself getting so involved usually that it takes me at least an hour to shake the characteristics of the main character from seeping into my own state of mind and point of view. I get so lost in the movie that if I don't pay close attention to reality, the plot takes over. It's fun to get so swept up, and I've always joked that I'm very easily entertained.
I wish finding a profession- a vocation, a purpose in life- came as easily as getting swept up in the plot and main character of a great movie; or at least just going for what you know is your purpose without fear, hesitation, and the distraction of other important dreams that it's not time for yet.
Life is steadily trucking along. I'm subbing every day. There's only one month of school left and what the summer holds is still unknown. I may be a nanny, if anyone will have me. I think it would be good to spend my summer with a couple kids to remind myself why it's not time for us to have them yet! We have our first show booked: May 14th at the Cherry Street Artisan in Columbia, MO. We're excited and putting our songs together into what will hopefully be an enjoyable, thought provoking, and maybe even slightly new yet wonderfully different musical experience. One can dream anyway. My first priority is playing and singing at the same time without making a blubbering fool of myself. I can sing and play with perfection in my apartment, but what will I do when I face my first real crowd with our original stuff? I'd like to believe I'll hold it together and thrive on the excitement like none other that comes through playing and singing to a crowd from my heart. With many prayers in my heart I will take the stage in the first show of what we hope will be many, many to come. May 14th! Until then, practice makes perfect.
Jason is valet parking now and I'm thrilled to have a second income to my fabulous substitute teaching gig. It's not that subbing doesn't bring in the big bucks, I mean come on of course it does! It's just that it will be nice to have that fabulous "cushion". I'm so full of it. Okay, I need to go to bed. Chow

3.30.2004

All Hail the XBox

There is something that I don't understand and that is males and video games. Jason got himself an XBox last June as a present to himself for his 21st birthday. I remember really liking the nintendo I got when I was 8 and the supernintendo that followed a couple years later. However, now at 22, I'm pretty much over it. I'll play with Jason sometimes in his sport games or the occassional Tetris, but after a game or two I'm sick of it. Jason bought the new splinter cell last night. It's a game where you're a ninja. It's the sequel to the first splinter cell which Jason has beaten twice. Now, at every opportunity this grown man is glued to his game and it really enthralls me. Jason is not the only man with a love of his game system. I don't know if every man takes the game so seriously that they want to be a ninja like Jason is telling me, but I've seen other guys with this same behavior. I heard myself ask a question to Jason this afternoon that I'm positive my mother asked me as a child, "How can you play that thing for so long?" I couldn't believe the words came out of my mouth. So, now I'm trying to get in touch with that inner child that used to find pure bliss in sitting in front of my supernintendo and beating mario world. I will say I still enjoy a good game of mario cart, but who doesn't I mean come on!

I love the spring. It is beautiful here! Absolutely stunning. Spring comes early in Nashville and I am digging it. I took Sophie for a long walk today through a nearby neighborhood that I love. Most of the homes look pretty old, but it's a fantastic subdivision and the houses are kept up very nicely. All of the flowering trees were in bloom and little pink petals covered the sidewalks I was walking on. There was the smell of fresh cut grass and the trees are becoming that fabulous spring green color. It was a great walk on a great day. If we ended up raising a family in Nashville I'd love to live in a neighborhood just like that. It's been a good day. How could it not be with beautiful weather. It seems like no matter how hard things are in my life at times, if it's a beautiful day I feel all right. Spring has come, God's still in control, life is good.

3.26.2004

No more tunes

My car was broken into last night. JOY! The person took my entire glove box out of my car, which had a 6-disk cd changer in it. I didn't even know this kind of removal was possible. My wallet was also stolen from the car along with about 15 cd's. I know, I know, NEVER leave your wallet in the car! This is why. I think I'm most bummed about the cd's.
Jason and I were cleaning the apartment early this afternoon when I recieved a phone call. Ms. Wilson?
Yes?
This is USBank's fraud department. Have you used your debit card today?
NO.
Well, can you see if you have the card in your posession because it's been swiped a few times this morning.
Where's my wallet? In the car! Jason, go check the car.

minutes pass

Uh, yeah, my wallet's been stolen.
Okay, well the suspect spent $169 this morning but it won't be taken out of your account.
Super, thanks.

So, I then call and cancel my credit card and sure enough, the bozo tried to use it in an ATM to get $200, but my credit card isn't set up for the atm, so it was denied when he tried to use it two other times. Then I called all of the credit bureaus to put a fraud alert on my account because this person now has my social security card and could apply for a credit card in my name. I know, never keep your social security card in your wallet! We filed a police report and the bozo left a plyers in my car, so an officer came by to get prints. We'll see if they find him. (I'm assuming it's a him.)
So, my car is now going to be tuneless. I haven't tried the radio yet to see if it still works.
I still have that migraine, only now it's switched to the right side of my face instead of the left. I thought it was very considerate of mister migraine to give the left side of my face a break.

Crime sucks, what can I say. Nothing I can do about it now. The good thing is that I had my driver's lisence in a pant pocket so he didn't get that. I wouldn't care about him having it other than it took me three hours at the DMV to get that thing and I just don't feel like going back there any time soon! I do have to go get a new social security card, but that doesn't take that long.

So, there's my adventure today. Sarah's boyfriend's car broke down on the way to St. Louis so they're not coming until tomorrow now. Not a good day for cars people, not a good day. We'll see what tomorrow brings!

But, my apartment is really, really clean. So there, it was a good day.

3.25.2004

Migraine and such

I have a migraine that's been going strong now for three days, and it's showing no signs that it plans to leave. My wonderful father-in-law prescribed me some Tylenol with codeine and even that's not completely knocking it out. Woopty-doo! So, if my words don't make sense or I spell something wrong just let it go, it's not my fault.

I'm writing a book. If you have any stories about a current or past pet that you think are cute, heart-warming or just plain cool, email me at natty1427@yahoo.com or tell me in my guest book. I'm writing the book about how God uses pets in people's lives to teach them biblical truths about Himself. Example: My cat Cassie hates me. No matter how much love, affection, attention, food, shelter, whatever, I give her, when I try to pet her she hisses. If I touch her I'm usually bitten and sometimes just walking by prompts her to bat at my ankles and hiss. I did nothing to deserve this hatred and I continued giving her love for my entire junior year of college hoping she'd learn to trust me and love me back. It never happened.
I see Cassie as myself and every other human and my attempts at loving her and providing for her as God's attempts to love us and provide for us. We don't deserve it, just as Cassie did not deserve my love after treating me so badly, yet I wanted to love her and I continued to feed her and welcome her in our home because she needed that love and protection. I sin against God every day, yet he never leaves just as I never left Cassie. If I can find love in my heart for this evil cat, I know God has more than enough love for my evil, human self.
In the book things will be written more thoroghly and eloquently, but hopefully you can see where I'm going with this. Anyway, email me or comment in my guest book if you have a story.

I'm writing music. I don't need you to send in any potential songs or anything, I just thought I'd share what else I'm doing with my life these days. Jason and I have 18 songs between us we think truly have potential. Exciting stuff. We're practicing so we can start playing out at writers nights and such. I'm also hoping to play at the artisan in Columbia sometime in May. Fingers crossed.

I'm substitute teaching when they call me. It's been a while....I'm sure they'll call soon. I think I'm actually subbing all of next week for a vocational cosmetology class at Hilsboro High school. I'll keep you posted.

Sophie the dog is growing like a weed and is officially the coolest dog on the planet, no contest. Don't even try to email me a story about a pet if you're going to try to tell me yours is cooler than Sophie, cuz sorry, it just ain't true.

For the record. The girl who lives in the aparment below us officially sucks. She banged on her ceiling last night to tell Jason to stop playing the piano. The time of night it was may have had something to do with it.... but, still, she sucks. Trust me. Really.

Jason started blogging! I think my blogging rubbed off on him. Check out his site, by clicking Jason Wayne Wilson under my links. He has some conditions if you want to read his blog (journal) though, so, be prepared, he's not joking.

My fabulous friend Sarah Wieschhaus and her boyfriend Chad are coming to visit us this weekend and I am excited! Yes, I am excited. Friends! I don't have so many of those here yet. Not because I stink, but because these things take time.

Jason got a music program called Nuendo that's just like protools and a new microphone to record with. It's pretty exciting stuff. I'll let you know when the album is complete.

Jason and I went to San Angelo Texas on a whim last Wednesday and we came back Monday. It was really fun. The Wilson home is a beautiful, tranquil get away with quiet, beauty, a fabulous cook named Linda Wilson and a hot tub. What more can you ask for.
The weekend prior to that Wednesday we traveled to St. Louis, Columbia and Kansas City for the Chris Shillito and Carissa Varnell wedding. It was fabulous. So fun! I got to see so many good friends in each of those cities and it was so great, especially due to the afore mentioned lack of friends here. Once again, not because I stink, but because these things take time.

I think this blog has run its course. I've summed up the excitement of the past few weeks and in case you were wondering, I still have that migraine and I'm still tickled to death about it (insert sarcastic tone).

One final thought that is an absolute praise to my glorious, merciful, amazing Lord- My uncle Dale is now a Christian. God is so, so, good.

3.06.2004

A Nashville bar at 2am

Last night our friend Nate from Eagle Lake rolled into town about midnight on his way to Florida with some friends. Nate taught English in Korea for the last year and now he's back just cruising around the country visiting friends and having fun. You gotta love that. After taking him to a reataurant with a great half-price menu after midnight, we wandered aroudn the streets of down town. We laughed at the many drunks stumbling out of the bars that had closed at 2am and talked about how Nashville is called the Athens of the South and we have no idea why. Walking along the riverside we came across a bar that was still pumping out the tunes from a live band. We decided to venture in and enjoyed the two last songs of a classic country-rock band. The smoky bar was pretty small and had a balcony above the main floor. We pushed our way through the drunken fans and enjoyed watching them dance below us, and even outside on the street! We made our way back to our apartment at about 3am and popped in Lost in Translation. We love that movie and Nate just had to see it since he'd spent some time in Tokyo himself. We finally called it a night at about 5am, and Nate's entourage was leaving at 8am. Didn't get much sleep last night...Today is absolutely beautiful and we plan to take Sophie to the park. I really enjoy these lazy days and hope that when we both do have real jobs, we can still have many times like these.
seeing an old friend makes me miss all the others that are also now so far away. But, I have a brightly glimmering hope. Chris and Carissa are getting married next weekend and I get to see everyone! Yeah! And I get to see my dear friend and former roommate Megan Crowley's new engagement ring-finally! I've never been more happy for someone who got engaged. The only person I was happier for was me!
Sophie just puked on the carpet...twice. I've gotta go.

3.05.2004



You're Chile!

You're really skinny, and kind of bumpy in frame, but you're not as
rough a person as you used to be.  You like long, long, long walks on the beach and
avoiding having your rights violated, just like anybody else does.  You're even
willing to stand up to those with more power and influence than you, trying to bring them
to justice.  Fight the man!

Take
the Country Quiz at the href="http://bluepyramid.org">Blue Pyramid

I have a guestbook!

Hey! To all of those who read this blog (if anyone reads this blog!) I just got myself a guestbook and I'd love it if you'd sign it once in a while if you feel so inclined! Tell me what you think about what I'm saying, whether you like it, agree with it or disagree with it and think I'm full of crap! I'd love to hear what anyone has to say =) The link is at the top right of the page and titled appropriately, "Sign My Guestbook!" Go for it!

3.04.2004

Phillipians 1:15-18

I have recently heard some critcisms of the Mel Gibson Film "The Passion of Christ" and I feel burdened to defend it. I watched the interview with Mel on NBC, or ABC, or whatever it was-that's not the point. Anyway, from that interview I saw a genuine man who had a deep faith and also admitted to being human and making mistakes every moment of every day. I saw a man whose life has been touched by Christ's hope and redemption and I saw pure motives behind the making of this film. I agree that the actor who played Jesus was a little too caucasion, but Jesus was a Jew and it's possible he wasn't as dark as a middle eastern man. Although satan was played by a woman, she looked just as much like a man to me... I could go on commenting on each negative thing said but it really doesn't matter, we've been told not to engage in petty arguments by Christ anyway. What I really want to say is that even if all of the negative thoughts and comments are true, even if this was all just to make a buck, The true Passion of Christ from the gospels is being shown on that screen in a light that I feel is the most accurate ever to be put on film. I feel that Mel told Christ's story with a painful accuracy that is what our savior endured. Even if Mel's motives were not right, the message is getting out there and people are talking about their faiths more. I did not go to see this movie because of the hype, in fact I got rather sick of the hype. I wanted to see if God was going to work through this film in my life and I also wanted to see if it had potential to truly reach others. I left touched and inspired by seeing so vividly what Christ did for me. Even if Mel Gibson's motives were false, Paul said that doesn't really matter if the gospel is being preached: "It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of good will. The latter do so in love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice" Phillipians 1:15-18

So do I, I rejoice that this film is out and I pray for all who see the it and pray that God will use it in a mighty way to advance His kingdom. His Word will not be returned void.

3.03.2004

Not much to say

And Life Goes On

It's been so long since I've written that now Sophie weighs 16 pounds. I have no good excuse for why it's been so long since I've written. Perhaps its that not much of anything is happening. I don't want to start writing depressing blogs about how life after college isn't quite what we had expected, but, that is a piece of the truth. I think it's hitting Jason harder than myself. Yesterday his temporary job with Lifeway came to an end, and he looked like a little kid whose best friend had just moved away. That innocent sad face of dissapointment and the uncertainty of what to do next. I'm trying to encourage him and remind him of the promises God has given us about our futures, but sometimes I can almost feel hypocritical as I am fighting feelings of confusion and doubt about the future myself.

My big, smart plan was to substitute teach until I found a real job. Well, first it took a stinkin' month for my background check to get back. Now in the last two weeks of being available in their system they've only called my twice. One can understand why I'm no longer feeling confident about this "great" idea I had to substitute teach. Of course there have been interviews, but it's hard when you're interviewing for a job you know in 6 months you would hate going to. There's only one position I've sent my resume to that I'm really excited about and of course it's the one that hasn't set up an interview with me yet. When I spoke with them I was told I'd made it to the top ten and they would call me for an interview. Alas, it's been almost two weeks and not a word. So, do I call and sound overly eager or even desperate? (because I am, but I can't let them know that!) They should offer a course in school called "reality". In this class we would learn that our college degree really means nothing. Employers that really count also want five years of experience. If everyone is looking for this experience then how does anyone get the experience? Entry level positions don't seem to exist anymore, and if they do it's as a salesman, as Jason has found out.

And then there's music. We're making it, but will anyone want to listen to it?

I realize now that up until this point I thought I was living life focused on the right things by working hard in school, making great friends, and building a relationship with the Lord. I see now that although those things were great and important, I should have put more into the Lord than school or anything else. In an instant all of those things are gone, and He's all you have left. Even with a husband. I feel like I am being tested. It's like I'm a year-old infant and my father (God) has let go of my hand so I can see that I can walk on my own. It's okay if I stumble, but it hurts us both. I have what I need to walk, now I just need to believe.
Translation of another Natalie metaphore, God has given me passion and certain abilities. The days of learning how to use them are over. He wants me to use them, he wants me to walk. It's time. My explanation may not make sense. Well, I know what I'm trying to say. Fear is not of God or from God. It should not have any part in our decisions or our aspirations. In times of uncertainty such as just graduating, moving away and getting marrtied, fear is an easy and familiar pillow to put my face in. But I know that if I keep it there it will only smother me. Life is to short not to go for your passions and to important to not use the time to practice what God has created you to do for eternity.

I think I've had too much time to read too many books and now my theology/philosophy has gotten a little jumbled. I'll try to make things clearer next entry. If anything, you are seeing my state of mind through my writing and it's a little scattered to say the least. Until next time. For those who understand, I am The Poisonwood Bible, according to the test. It's scary how accurate the description was. buh-bye

2.11.2004

Life with Sophie

Sophie weighs 11 pounds, has floppy white and brown ears, and will make you fall in love with her in 9.2 seconds. This mutt (literally) has entered our home and our hearts and we're having so much fun having a puppy. I just love how everyone smiles when they see a puppy. It doesn't matter who they are or what they were in the middle of. When you walk by with a little white ball of energy with those big puppy eyes and her little puppy gut, not one person can resist breaking into a big smile. I think recieving a puppy kiss is all some people need to have a good day. In fact, I think we should start making it mandatory that puppies and dogs hang out in office buildings, and especially at stressful meetings, so that people will be in a lighter mood. It's hard to get too angry at one of those faces- even when it poos on your carpet. Just a thought.

So, I went to my orientation for substitute teaching and I was all excited to get started this week, but no. My criminal background check hasn't come back yet so I can't start yet =( I applied in December for goodness sakes! I don't understand what's taking so long, and I'm running out of important things to do every day. I'm afraid Sophie is going to have quite a shock when Jason and I are really gone all day at work because right now she's getting so much attention from us! Oh well. Yesterday I went to a college-to-career fair with Jason that his college was a part of. I felt so incredibly awkward. All of these businesses were there and that is just SO not what I'm interested in. There was a place called Youth Villages that works with troubled kids. So, I'm looking into possibly working with them. For some reason I don't think I want to work in social services at all, but that's what I have a degree in so I need to at least check out some possibilities right?! Can someone please just hand me a recording contract now? Please! I'm free, I'm ready, let's go. At this point, even being a background vocalist for Inglbert Humperdink is looking real attractive.

I want to make good music so bad. I must say, there just are not enough female vocalists out there who are a part of the great music. My favorite music comes from Coldplay, Radiohead, badly drawn boy, Jeff Buckley, The Cure, Bob Dylan, Lou Reed, Elliot Smith.... all of these GUYS. Come on! There are some great women out there like Sarah McLaughlin, Dido, Patti Griffin, Alison Kraus, but they're not really rocking. I guess Evanescence is rocking, but kind of annoying at the same time. I don't know, I went CD shopping today and just found myself frustrated that it's so hard to find women voices in quality rock. I want to be that woman! I'm working on it. Until then, I'll just keep playing songs to Sophie.

2.06.2004

Looking for a new addition

No, we don't want a baby, we want a puppy! Jason and I are all settled into Nashville. Our apartment is fabulous. We have it all decorated with all of our new stuff and it already feels like home. I start subbing after an orientation this Monday and Jason is applying and interviewing all over the place. His job of choice at this time is to be a special agent for the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation. This is no joke people. He may even have to carry a fire-arm! Crazy. So, now I need a dog to sit at home with me late at night as I worry about my husband who's trying to get some punk to buy drugs from him so he can bust him! It's really not all that serious or worrysome, I just like to dramatize things.

So, I'm done with college, I'm married, we have a nice place to live and comfortable salaries coming our way. You know what has hit me? Jason and I have begun to "realize" the American dream. We have all of these things, we've achieved these "goals" and now here we are. Do I feel more fulfilled than before I'd achieved these things? Nope. I've gotta say, the American Dream has never seemed as empty to me as it does right now. To imagine going on in life from here only to work my 9-5 doing something corporate or boring, even something with social services, and then coming home at night to play with the dog, make some dinner, watch some prime time television. Ah! Life may as well just be over. Now more than ever before I am committed to taking the path less traveled. I'll take the narrow path, the harder path- the path with the greatest reward. I may not become a millionaire in the process. Maybe I'll only be able to scrape by but it's better to be struggling financially while enjoying a life of purpose than to be wallowing in money and emptiness. I just feel like my eyes are opened wider than ever before. I feel like I see something so clearly that most of America has turned its gaze from-the truth.

The American dream is a death trap and currently our society is walking like a herd of cattle straight to the slaughterhouse. It's actually a fair analogy. Cows that are raised for their meat are fed really well. If they think all that really matters in life is getting lots of good grass to eat, than they have a great run before they're killed. But then, it's all for nothing. They don't get anything from eating all of that grass. The farmers are the ones that profit, not the stupid cows. All along they thought they were living the good life, and then just before the stun gun pops them in their head so their throat can be slit it hits them, "I was just a pawn" "it was all a lie. This wasn't really the good life, it was all for another man's profit". If there had been some kind of cow rebellion in which all of the cows rushed one of the fences at one time, they could have easily been free. They wouldn't have had as much grass to eat, and maybe not as comfortable of a place to sleep at night, but they would have been free. The grass would never have tasted so sweet because now they were eating it by choice. Now their life was in their hands again and they were free to roam the plains as it was inteneded, for the rest of their natural days.

Okay, so I'm ranting about cows here, but I'm sure you can make the connection. If not, here's what I'm saying. Americans have been fed lies from as early as they could comprehend a television commercial. "You want this toy, then you'll be the coolest kid in the neighborhood." They begin leading consumer-driven lives by age 8 and many never look back. Many are encouraged by their families that making money and acquiring things for yourself is the main goal in life, so they should get a degree in business, or become a doctor, or whatever will make the most money the fastest. And so many do. They never stop to understand that they're not making choices for themselves. They don't understand that the world of Marketing sees the American public as its ridiculous, gullible little pawns. They don't want people to buy things because it will make their lives better, they want more money for themselves and their own empty lives so they lure in the masses who haven't thought for themselves since age 8. And it doesn't stop with material items for pleasure. That's why affairs happen, that's why murders are committed, that's why drug use is so high. People are trying to find that satisfaction. They're trying to fill the innescapable void that is a life without Christ. But they can't see it. They have no idea what they're missing. Now with moral relativism as our country's accpeted moral stance (it's not okay for me, but if it's okay for you then it's okay...) the absolute truth of Christ and people's need for him has become even more clouded.

Maybe I'll write a book someday, and it will flow much nicer than this previous rant about the cows and their representatin of the majority of our nation. Anyhoo, I guess that just shows what's been on my mind in these weeks that I've been free from school and work. It gives a person time to really think and I like it. And of course I've been thinking about puppies too, cuz I want one. Until next time...

1.22.2004

My How Time Flies

Okay, for those of you who enjoy reading my blog I?@APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY FOR HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE I LAST WROTE. LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE I LAST WROTE. IM MARRIED NOW! ANYWAY, SIDENOTE, ‚h AM NOT PUTIING THIS ALL IS CAPS ON PURPOSE. I am on the INTERNET IN JAPAN AND IM LUCKY THIS IS IN ENGLISH. MY HONEYMOON IS QUICKLY COMING TO AN END AS JASON AND I HANG OUT IN THE TOKYO AIRPORT DURING OUR 7 HOUR LAYOVER HERE. IM ACTUALLY REALLY EXCITED ‚`‚a‚n‚t‚s GETTING BACK TO THE STATES AND STARTING OUR REAL LIFE. OUR HONEYMOON WAS FANTASTIC. I WOULD RECCOMMEND PALAU TO ANYONE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU LIKE SCUBA DIVING. IT WAS INCREDIBLE, TRULY AMAZING REALLY. THE REEFS WERE SO FULL OF COLOR AND LIFE. i SWAM WITH DOLPHINS, SHARKS, SEA TURTLES, SCHOOLS OF FISH, EELS, AND LOTS OF AMAZING CORAL. i COULD GO ON FOR DAYS, AND MAYBE I WILL. i PROMISE TO KEEP UP ON THIS JOURNAL FOR REAL FROM NOW ON. JASON AND I WILL BE STARTING OFF IN NASHVILLE, BUT IM NOT SURE HOW LONG WE WILL BE THERE TO BE HONEST. ILL KEEP THIS POSTED AS GOD TAKES US WHERE HE WANTS US TO GO! ITS EXCITING TO THINK ABOUT WHAT IS NEXT. IM REALLY SICK OF WRITING ON A COMPUTER I CANNOT CONTROL, SO IM QUITTING NOW. iLL WRITE VERY SOON. UNTIL THEN...