Another Year Older

I'm 28 now. I think it fits. It's not that I feel "old" but that I have a husband, two kids, I'm in the process of buying a house. 28 sounds about right, even though I didn't expect to have all of these things at 28, I was thinking more like 35 or something.

When venturing into the world at the tender age of 18, I didn't imagine getting married right out of college, but I did. I didn't imagine getting pregnant after only 2 years of marriage, but I did. I didn't imagine ever living in St. Louis again. But I am! (Do you see a theme here?)

I guess my point is, the last 10 years have brought a lot that I didn't expect - at least not in the timing that things came. But, it's all very good and I am an incredibly blessed person. 28 fits.

I wonder what I'll be saying 10 years from now? Trippy

Friends

I am continually humbled and thankful to have friends who are so much more generous, intelligent, thoughtful and talented than me.

O Heart Bereaved and Lonely

1. O heart bereaved and lonely,
Whose brightest dreams have fled
Whose hopes like summer roses,
Are withered crushed and dead
Though link by link be broken,
And tears unseen may fall
Look up amid thy sorrow,
To Him who knows it all

2. O cling to thy Redeemer,
Thy Savior, Brother, Friend
Believe and trust His promise,
To keep you till the end
O watch and wait with patience,
And question all you will
His arms of love and mercy,
Are round about thee still

3. Look up, the clouds are breaking,
The storm will soon be o'er
And thou shall reach the haven,
Where sorrows are no more
Look up, be not discouraged;
Trust on, whate'er befall
Remember, O remember,
Thy Savior knows it all

Mundane

My house is clean. The dishes are done and put away. All 4 members of the family have clean laundry that is folded and in the proper drawers. Why does success at the mundane mean so much? I seriously can breathe easier today than I could yesterday.

Counseling is rocking my life, in a good way, but in a "can we please get this over with as soon as possible?" kind of way. The best way to describe where I'm at right now is in the lyrics of a Waterdeep song:

When you feel like the days just drone on and on and on,
And you feel like the nights seem quickly gone.
On the inside you feel like your heart's just gaping wide.
On the inside you feel like no one's on your side. Well, I AM.

When you thought you could rest but you found out you were wrong
And there's another mean, another battle, another one more thing that comes along
On the inside you hear the fall, but you hate the falling sound
On the inside, you can't pick another broken piece up off of the ground.
Well, I know.

Hush little baby, don't say a word
Daddy's gonna buy you a great big heaven to rest in
He's bought it with blood, He put this seal in your heart
It will give you the hope you need to get up and start, again.

When all the things you thought you left behind are still hanging on
And everything you try to do right just ends up all wrong
And on the inside everyone else seems basically fine
But on the inside, even they won't let go of the dead and cling to what's alive
Well, I AM

And of course as I'm overwhelmed by emotions, Isaac is getting his front teeth in, Amelia is clingy, and Jason is doing a crazy all day adventure race tomorrow. Not to mention this seems to be the weekend of Christmas parties. Deep Breath. Release. Repeat =)

Words I'm Trying To Live By

"In quietness and in trust shall be your strength." Isaiah

I read yesterday that there is a "slow" movement going on in America. Slow food, slow parenting, slow business management. It struck me as funny that it's labeled as a new movement. In my eyes, it's a return to wiser ways from the past that we have lost sight of.

Whenever I read the Bible I rarely feel challenged to do more. Instead I leave with a greater challenge to do less and trust more. spend more time being still, spend more time listening, more time being quiet.

" be still and know that I am God"

"and Jesus went off to a solitary place to pray."

I type this with a baby in my arms and a preschooler asking for Halloween candy at 8am. Slow and quiet sounds amazing. I desire that kind of strength like never before.

Hi Blog

I do have things to say. Really.

Wisdom from Mad Men

Jason and I LOVE Mad Men, and watch it religiously every Sunday. Recently a quote from one of the episodes struck me, and has intrigued me greatly. Speaking to Betty (a house wife) it was said: ''You're like a house cat. You're very important and you have little to do.''

I have struggled with my identity since having Amelia. I don't want to be seen solely as a mother. In response to that though I think I have almost denied that part of my identity at times and have thought it may be a terrible thing for me to become only a stay at home mom, or to phrase it even worse, a "house wife." I don't want to be a house cat! However, as I've thought a lot recently about the role of staying at home full-time vs. working part-time, I'm realizing I need to be more open to the idea of staying home. Above all else I need to consider what is best for my family. No one else can be a mom to Isaac and Amelia. No one else can be a wife to Jason. My own mental health is very important, and my happiness does matter, so don't hear me saying my family should come at the expense of my sanity or happiness. What I am saying is that I need to challenge the notion in my own mind that staying at home full time would be some kind of failure. Failure to not be productive enough, to not use all of my talents and gifts. I just really don't think that would be true, but I've been subconsciously living as if it is.

I've also been thinking about what makes being a stay at home mom so isolating and difficult. The difference I'm finding is that up until the 1950's and 60's, women who were at home with their children were also working from their home. It may have been helping run a family business, it may have been working on the farm. Basically, women weren't spending their entire day alone, thinking only of their children, cleaning the house and cooking a meal. These were parts of their day, but it seems women generally did things with extended family, and with other women in their community. The moms sat on the sidewalk together and talked while their kids played. Or, their kids wandered around the neighborhood while they sat at the table talking and sharing a drink. Being at home did not mean being alone, and it did not mean your life revolving around your children. To state it simply, today in many ways, it does. This is not healthy for mom, and truly not healthy for the kids either.

That's all for now.

WOOOHOOO!

Jason passed the BAR!

How are you?

I am having a hard time right now. I think it's mostly sleep deprivation, and a sprinkling of hormones. Even though I know what is probably causing me to be blue and angry, it doesn't always help me not to be blue, and well, angry. This is hard for me, and thus I become a little more blue and a little more angry every day.

I just signed up to get some free counseling at the seminary.

How are you?

The Glass Is Half Empty

I'm coming to realize that I am a pessimist. I have always thought of myself as a realist. The glass is half full and it's also half empty. It's both. There's a lot of gray. However, if I am forced to pick one or the other, that glass is half empty.

I've never claimed to be an optimist. I'm much too cynical. I've always thought it would be nice to be an optimist, but it seems to me that I would be setting myself up for disappointment a lot. If I think the best but then the worst is what actually happens, I'll be so much more bummed than if I just expected the worst. In my mind, I'm at least prepared for it. And then, if the worst doesn't happen, I'm pleasantly surprised and feel like I've been given a gift!

Here's a practical example. Isaac usually gets up at least twice a night, sometimes three times. If I go to bed telling myself, "tonight is going to be the night he sleeps all the way through!" Or even, "tonight he'll only wake up once," then when he wakes up twice, I'm very disappointed and angry. However, if I go to bed preparing myself mentally saying, "he's going to wake up at least three times tonight," if he only wakes up once I feel like I hit the jackpot!

Isaac had a particularly bad night on Saturday night. Sunday morning instead of crying in my exhaustion, as I usually do, I decided to tell myself, "he'll sleep better tonight, he'll sleep better tonight" It kept me from crying/melting into a puddle on the floor. And, he did in fact have a much better night of sleep that night.

So I'm thinking I may consciously give this optimism thing a chance. The fact that it's such an effort is what's showing me that my true nature is pessimism. That kind of bums me out (because I only see the bad sides of being this way!) but, no point in denying it. Gonna work with it. I can't believe it's taken me 27.5 years to figure this out about myself. Sheesh.

Um

I have the time to write a post at this moment, but no real inspiration of anything interesting to say....bummer.

How about some random information about myself:

Fave albums of the moment: Regina Spektor - Far, Grizzly Bear- Veckatimist, Phoenix - It's Never Been Like That, Arcade Fire - Neon Bible

Fave song on the radio right now - Don't Let Me Go, The Fray

Fave food right now - Trader Joe's Mango Sorbet, Haagen Daz Mango sorbet in a close second

Hardest food to resist right now, but I must for the sake of Isaac's belly - Coffee
Others I really, really want - cheese, ice cream, butter, Thai food!

Longest stretch of uninterrupted sleep I've gotten in the last week: 4hrs

#of times per day I deal with potty: 10+

Fave shows right now: Mad Men, Breaking Bad, 18 Kids and Counting, Ruby

Movies I really want to see: 500 Days of Summer, Julie, Julia

Time I have to write on this Blog: 0 - Diego has ended!

I'm a grown up with interests

Jason and I had a night out last night, alone. The children were with a trustworthy babysitter so I didn't have to give leaving a second thought, and it was fantastic.

We went down the street to a newer Mediterranean restaurant, Ranoush. It was so yummy and there was a belly dancer (Jason and I have an uncanny knack for eating at places with belly dancers. It's not on purpose, but is pretty fun to watch. Those ladies are talented!) It helped me to remember the part of me that loves international cuisine and culture. I spend so much time thinking about things regarding those 2 and under that it's very refreshing to get in touch with other parts of myself that for a season, don't get much attention.

After dinner we walked down to the newest hot spot on The Loop, the Moonrise hotel. They have a restaurant called The Eclipse (clever eh) and it has a rooftop terrace. We met friends there for a birthday get together and it was so much fun. You can see downtown from the roof, the weather was perfect, and we even found a table for us ladies to lounge at, which was no small feat. We drank, we laughed, we had adult conversation. It was just what I needed.

Even though I stayed up a lot later than usual, I have more energy today than I usually do because I did something for me, and for us as partners, not parents.

Sidenotes: I absolutely LOVE living in University City.

Totally unrelated, I LOVE the new Regina Spektor album. Check it out.

Amelia is actually taking a nap right now. Ground breaking people. I'm still getting it through my head that I'm the one in charge here and if I really think the kid needs a nap I can make her try. Because, oh yeah, I'm the mom. I knew she wasn't just calling me that for fun!

I've had a terrible reminder today that I get random pains in my abdomen somewhat around the time I ovulate/have a period/the moon is a crescent? In December of 2007 I actually went to the doctor for these pains and they sent me to the hospital to rule out appendicitis. That's how much they can hurt. They did a scan and found nothing. No cysts, no anything to cause stabbing/aching pain in my lower abdomen. Pregnancy alleviates this problem - though it causes oh so many others- and I had forgotten about the whole thing. Well, I remember now. Crap!

Being a Mom is Hard

Being a mom is hard. It's difficult for me to explain, because it's also wonderful, an enormous privilege and gift, and a joy. But it's just really hard.

I'm reading a fabulous book titled, I Was a Really Good Mom Before I had Kids. This book articulates everything that I feel about motherhood so much better than I can. One quote from the book is, "I love being a mom, I just hate doing it." Does that make sense? No, and yet, that's totally where I am!

I love my kids fiercely. It's a love I've never known before them. I enjoy them (most of the time). I think part of it is post partum hormones, part of it is exhaustion, but part of it is very, very real.

When I got married the day after our wedding I cried for 3 hours straight. I was so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from all of our family and friends, this big event had finally happened! And, it also began to sink in that I was no longer my own. I forever had another person to consider in all of my decisions. In a way, I was grieving the loss of my single self. I felt the full weight of the commitment I made to Jason and all that came with it.

I think I'm experiencing something similar in being a mom, but it's more drawn out. I am so thankful for my children. They are beautiful, wonderful, interesting, bright, healthy, happy, amazing kids. With kids though, I have had to say goodbye yet again to parts of me. Goodbye woman who wants 8 hours of sleep a night. Goodbye woman who likes to be able to go for a run, to the movies, hell, to the grocery store whenever she pleases. Goodbye woman who likes control and predictability. And really, that only scratches the surface.

Please do not hear me complaining about being a mom. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm just tired, and damn, being a mom is just hard, no matter what.

I saw this woman at the pool today with 5 children. 5. And she had let her oldest son bring a friend. Amazingly, she looked really happy. She was calm. She had a beautiful flow with her kids. They were a unit, in sync. Now, I don't doubt that this woman has her moments of flustered chaos, and I'm sure she could use a full night of sleep or better yet, a weekend away. But, she just looked really happy, and her kids looked really happy and I just wanted to approach her and ask, "excuse me, you look like you're doing really well here with your beautiful five children. I'm having a hard time with two. Can you help me? Please?!" I really do wish I was the kind of woman who could have five kids. I'm having to accept that that just is not me, and it's certainly not Jason! It's hard. That's all there is to it.

Thanks

Thanks for praying for George, his surgery in the doctor's words went, perfectly. Please pray now that he will not have any swelling so they can seal him up tomorrow. If all goes well he will get to go home next weekend! Again, check here for updates if you're interested

All of this has made me so humble and thankful for our children's good health. These friends of ours have already had to endure their 2nd little boy being deaf and having cochlear implants. How much can 1 family take? And, of our friends here, one has a baby who is missing a kidney, one has a severe seizure disorder, one of them just finished his last round of Chemo. That really only scratches the surface of what's going on just in our small church of 200 people. It's just so in my face how broken this world is and how hard and sorrow filled it can be.

We are stressed right now, but by things that are ultimately good. Jason taking the BAR next week, Isaac not quite getting enough milk= not sleeping well, Amelia getting her 2 year molars and freaking out as a result. But all of this just pales in comparison with what precious people are dealing with every day.

"Oh, God, it hurts so bad, to love anybody down here.
Won't you come and help me out cuz, I can barely see clear.
But oh, that's right, you know so well,
one thorny crown, three nails and a spear."
-Waterdeep

Please Pray

please pray for our friends Robbie and Jane-Ellis and their precious baby boy George. He is 1 week old and having open heart surgery today. If you want to see more of their story, check out Robbie's blog, the elusive jaguar shark

Quote

I came across this quote today and felt pretty cool about the title of my blog!

“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” - T.S. Eliot

Question

Have you ever wondered if you're crazy, like truly off your rocker, and all of your life your parents have been paying people to be your friends and treat you like you're normal?

Me neither...

It's not that I actually think I'm insane, though sleep deprivation has made me a little unsafe at times lately in my opinion. I guess I wonder because I have moments of clarity when I realize I'm not nearly as self-aware as I think I am. I can think I know how to be a good friend, a good wife, a good mother, a good employee, but then I'm presented with situations where my limitations are brought right before my face.

I don't think at any moment that I have it all together, nor do I genuinely think such an ideal is possible. I would like to think I'm capable of being someone who is reliable in all of the above mentioned roles, but sometimes I wonder. I'm a recovering perfectionist, so maybe (probably) my standards for myself are impossible. I guess I just really don't want to suck, and sometimes it is very evident that I do.

Back In the Saddle Again

I am suddenly blogging every day. I don't know if it's because our desk is in the kitchen now so I see the computer a lot more, or if I'm bored, or if I just need a creative outlet again. I don't know, but I like it and I'm even slightly obsessive about it at the moment. Maybe it's hormones.

Anyway, if this is your first time to visit my site you'll see that I've been blogging here since 2003! Man that was a long time ago. If you used to check my blog a lot and have been disappointed over the last couple of years as my posts trickled and died, (see 2008, 6 posts total...) I'm sorry about that. I'm back!

I thought about changing the blog's name after all of these years, but I find that it still fits. We've had a lot of beginnings and endings in the last 6 years, and they keep on coming. Lately, Jason ended his time in law school and has begun his new job as a law clerk. Our time as a family of 3 has ended in the beginning of us as a family of 4. You see what I mean? Well, the title is staying! But, I did change the colors and such for a fun fresh start. Thank you blogger for making this so easy these days!

Be sure to also check out some of the blogs I have linked on the right. I have a lot of friends with fantastic blogs!

peace.

Intersting Tidbit

Biggest guilty pleasure song right now, Poker Face by Lady Gaga. Ridiculous

The Silence Is Deafening

Sometimes I feel like I'm being given the silent treatment. Is it a conscious decision or just how the chips have fallen? That's what eats away at me.
I can think of things I've done, or failed to do, that may justify such treatment in the minds of some. But, I am a human, doing the very best that I can in my broken pathetic state. I have genuine love for so many, but fall short in showing it adequately or fervently enough. I feel that often I am loved much better than I love.
Yet, there's still the silent treatment from some and from them, I just need grace. Please.

And life continues

Alright, time to move on from the incredible Isaac Big Bend birth story. I'm over it. Life has made me feel pretty bi-polar lately. I have amazing moments of love and gratitude for my children but many days I am also clouded with exhaustion, mixed up hormones, and anger that I can't reason with my 2.5 year old.

I'm looking out the window right now at a kid my landlord hired to take the weeds out of our back yard. I do not envy him this task. I attempted it last year and let's just say I wanted no part of that again this year. Back yard looks like a jungle? Don't care any more. But I have a bigger point here. I was watching him struggle to remove some chicken wire that I had set up last year around my little garden to keep out the rabbits and squirrels. (didn't work by the way, the bastards hovered in over the fence like a scene out of mission impossible and stole my tomatoes. Damn you squirrels.) Anyway, I'm watching him struggle because with the weeds so overgrown he can't see that I attached the chicken wire to the chain link fence. He's pulling in vain but he can't see that until he digs deep into those weeds to find the source of its attachment. I look at him struggling and I know exactly what he needs to do, but he's outside and I'm inside with a baby and well, I just can't quite get to him right now.

I feel like that kid. I'm pulling on things with no idea how they're really attached. God knows the whole story and could help me out here, and sometimes he does, but sometimes it feels like he's still hanging out inside because well, he just can't quite get to that right now. I need some operating instructions here. But, I'm that stubborn person who instead of seeking out the source, just keeps pulling and pulling at that chicken wire until something gives, or I break my tool and just give up. I'm looking for the source right now and I wish it was revealing itself a bit more easily.

Isaac "Big Bend" Wilson

Isaac was born on Friday, April 3, at approximately 6:30pm. We're not completely sure of the time because we were on Big Bend at Wydown when he made his arrival.

I had planned from the beginning of this pregnancy to have a natural birth if at all possible. I had a great doula to support me and I read fabulous natural childbirth books. I was informed, I was inspired, and I was hoping I could pull it off. The last 2-3 weeks of my pregnancy were a roller coaster of lots of contractions, including two false alarms, one of which we even went to the hospital for. I was so ready for this pregnancy to be over! On Friday morning about 4am I had the first of my big contractions, but I only had one. This continued all of the morning, 1, maybe two big contractions an hour. I had to breathe through them and afterwards I felt kinda crampy and back-achy. I knew real labor was going to happen that day, but I knew it was going to take a while. At about 3pm I laid down for a nap and around 3:45 a big contraction woke me up. From that point on they began coming more consistently, probably 7 minutes apart or so. They hurt, but were manageable. At 10 till 5pm I called my dad and asked if he could come soon as I thought we should be thinking of heading to the hospital soon. He had to pick up my mom from work because one of their cars was in the shop. They couldn't get there until 6pm. My contractions were coming around 5 minutes apart, but I thought I could make it one more hour before we went to the hospital. I didn't want to get their too early, or heaven forbid for labor to stop again as it had the week before. So, I said 6 was fine. About 10 till 6pm I had two enormous contractions and realized we had waited too long. I thought for sure we'd make it to the hospital, but thought I'd have him pretty much upon arrival. We got into the car about 6:05pm and I had to get in the back on my hands and knees because labor was so intense. Just as we started going I started dry-heaving and I thought to myself, oh no, this is what happens when you're in transition. But surely we'll make it. We got no more than a mile down the road before my water broke and when it broke I thought I felt his head descend. I reached down to check and sure enough, I could feel his head, he was crowning. We were stuck in rush hour traffic and though were only about 2 miles from the hospital, we were not moving. I had no choice but to pull off my pants and get ready for him to come. Jason called 911 and kept telling me not to push, but there was no choice in it. He was coming and coming fast. With one push half of his head was out, and seconds later another push and his entire head was out. It wasn't more than a minute more and his body came out in one big push. I had a body pillow with me in the car and had placed it underneath me to help catch him. As soon as he was out I pulled the pillow forward and there he was, blue, but moving. Jason pulled onto a side street and I wrapped him in my shirt. The 911 dispatcher told us to flick his feet to get him to breath. I was rubbing him and flicking his feet and trying to keep him warm. He wasn't crying loud, but he was moving and responding and opening his eyes. It took about 2 minutes for the ambulance to get there and they transferred Isaac and I to the hospital. I delivered the placenta there, they warmed up Isaac and we were both good to go!