I'm coming to realize that I am a pessimist. I have always thought of myself as a realist. The glass is half full and it's also half empty. It's both. There's a lot of gray. However, if I am forced to pick one or the other, that glass is half empty.
I've never claimed to be an optimist. I'm much too cynical. I've always thought it would be nice to be an optimist, but it seems to me that I would be setting myself up for disappointment a lot. If I think the best but then the worst is what actually happens, I'll be so much more bummed than if I just expected the worst. In my mind, I'm at least prepared for it. And then, if the worst doesn't happen, I'm pleasantly surprised and feel like I've been given a gift!
Here's a practical example. Isaac usually gets up at least twice a night, sometimes three times. If I go to bed telling myself, "tonight is going to be the night he sleeps all the way through!" Or even, "tonight he'll only wake up once," then when he wakes up twice, I'm very disappointed and angry. However, if I go to bed preparing myself mentally saying, "he's going to wake up at least three times tonight," if he only wakes up once I feel like I hit the jackpot!
Isaac had a particularly bad night on Saturday night. Sunday morning instead of crying in my exhaustion, as I usually do, I decided to tell myself, "he'll sleep better tonight, he'll sleep better tonight" It kept me from crying/melting into a puddle on the floor. And, he did in fact have a much better night of sleep that night.
So I'm thinking I may consciously give this optimism thing a chance. The fact that it's such an effort is what's showing me that my true nature is pessimism. That kind of bums me out (because I only see the bad sides of being this way!) but, no point in denying it. Gonna work with it. I can't believe it's taken me 27.5 years to figure this out about myself. Sheesh.
Best of 2018
5 years ago
