Life with Sophie

Sophie weighs 11 pounds, has floppy white and brown ears, and will make you fall in love with her in 9.2 seconds. This mutt (literally) has entered our home and our hearts and we're having so much fun having a puppy. I just love how everyone smiles when they see a puppy. It doesn't matter who they are or what they were in the middle of. When you walk by with a little white ball of energy with those big puppy eyes and her little puppy gut, not one person can resist breaking into a big smile. I think recieving a puppy kiss is all some people need to have a good day. In fact, I think we should start making it mandatory that puppies and dogs hang out in office buildings, and especially at stressful meetings, so that people will be in a lighter mood. It's hard to get too angry at one of those faces- even when it poos on your carpet. Just a thought.

So, I went to my orientation for substitute teaching and I was all excited to get started this week, but no. My criminal background check hasn't come back yet so I can't start yet =( I applied in December for goodness sakes! I don't understand what's taking so long, and I'm running out of important things to do every day. I'm afraid Sophie is going to have quite a shock when Jason and I are really gone all day at work because right now she's getting so much attention from us! Oh well. Yesterday I went to a college-to-career fair with Jason that his college was a part of. I felt so incredibly awkward. All of these businesses were there and that is just SO not what I'm interested in. There was a place called Youth Villages that works with troubled kids. So, I'm looking into possibly working with them. For some reason I don't think I want to work in social services at all, but that's what I have a degree in so I need to at least check out some possibilities right?! Can someone please just hand me a recording contract now? Please! I'm free, I'm ready, let's go. At this point, even being a background vocalist for Inglbert Humperdink is looking real attractive.

I want to make good music so bad. I must say, there just are not enough female vocalists out there who are a part of the great music. My favorite music comes from Coldplay, Radiohead, badly drawn boy, Jeff Buckley, The Cure, Bob Dylan, Lou Reed, Elliot Smith.... all of these GUYS. Come on! There are some great women out there like Sarah McLaughlin, Dido, Patti Griffin, Alison Kraus, but they're not really rocking. I guess Evanescence is rocking, but kind of annoying at the same time. I don't know, I went CD shopping today and just found myself frustrated that it's so hard to find women voices in quality rock. I want to be that woman! I'm working on it. Until then, I'll just keep playing songs to Sophie.

Looking for a new addition

No, we don't want a baby, we want a puppy! Jason and I are all settled into Nashville. Our apartment is fabulous. We have it all decorated with all of our new stuff and it already feels like home. I start subbing after an orientation this Monday and Jason is applying and interviewing all over the place. His job of choice at this time is to be a special agent for the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation. This is no joke people. He may even have to carry a fire-arm! Crazy. So, now I need a dog to sit at home with me late at night as I worry about my husband who's trying to get some punk to buy drugs from him so he can bust him! It's really not all that serious or worrysome, I just like to dramatize things.

So, I'm done with college, I'm married, we have a nice place to live and comfortable salaries coming our way. You know what has hit me? Jason and I have begun to "realize" the American dream. We have all of these things, we've achieved these "goals" and now here we are. Do I feel more fulfilled than before I'd achieved these things? Nope. I've gotta say, the American Dream has never seemed as empty to me as it does right now. To imagine going on in life from here only to work my 9-5 doing something corporate or boring, even something with social services, and then coming home at night to play with the dog, make some dinner, watch some prime time television. Ah! Life may as well just be over. Now more than ever before I am committed to taking the path less traveled. I'll take the narrow path, the harder path- the path with the greatest reward. I may not become a millionaire in the process. Maybe I'll only be able to scrape by but it's better to be struggling financially while enjoying a life of purpose than to be wallowing in money and emptiness. I just feel like my eyes are opened wider than ever before. I feel like I see something so clearly that most of America has turned its gaze from-the truth.

The American dream is a death trap and currently our society is walking like a herd of cattle straight to the slaughterhouse. It's actually a fair analogy. Cows that are raised for their meat are fed really well. If they think all that really matters in life is getting lots of good grass to eat, than they have a great run before they're killed. But then, it's all for nothing. They don't get anything from eating all of that grass. The farmers are the ones that profit, not the stupid cows. All along they thought they were living the good life, and then just before the stun gun pops them in their head so their throat can be slit it hits them, "I was just a pawn" "it was all a lie. This wasn't really the good life, it was all for another man's profit". If there had been some kind of cow rebellion in which all of the cows rushed one of the fences at one time, they could have easily been free. They wouldn't have had as much grass to eat, and maybe not as comfortable of a place to sleep at night, but they would have been free. The grass would never have tasted so sweet because now they were eating it by choice. Now their life was in their hands again and they were free to roam the plains as it was inteneded, for the rest of their natural days.

Okay, so I'm ranting about cows here, but I'm sure you can make the connection. If not, here's what I'm saying. Americans have been fed lies from as early as they could comprehend a television commercial. "You want this toy, then you'll be the coolest kid in the neighborhood." They begin leading consumer-driven lives by age 8 and many never look back. Many are encouraged by their families that making money and acquiring things for yourself is the main goal in life, so they should get a degree in business, or become a doctor, or whatever will make the most money the fastest. And so many do. They never stop to understand that they're not making choices for themselves. They don't understand that the world of Marketing sees the American public as its ridiculous, gullible little pawns. They don't want people to buy things because it will make their lives better, they want more money for themselves and their own empty lives so they lure in the masses who haven't thought for themselves since age 8. And it doesn't stop with material items for pleasure. That's why affairs happen, that's why murders are committed, that's why drug use is so high. People are trying to find that satisfaction. They're trying to fill the innescapable void that is a life without Christ. But they can't see it. They have no idea what they're missing. Now with moral relativism as our country's accpeted moral stance (it's not okay for me, but if it's okay for you then it's okay...) the absolute truth of Christ and people's need for him has become even more clouded.

Maybe I'll write a book someday, and it will flow much nicer than this previous rant about the cows and their representatin of the majority of our nation. Anyhoo, I guess that just shows what's been on my mind in these weeks that I've been free from school and work. It gives a person time to really think and I like it. And of course I've been thinking about puppies too, cuz I want one. Until next time...

My How Time Flies

Okay, for those of you who enjoy reading my blog I?@APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY FOR HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE I LAST WROTE. LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE I LAST WROTE. IM MARRIED NOW! ANYWAY, SIDENOTE, ‚h AM NOT PUTIING THIS ALL IS CAPS ON PURPOSE. I am on the INTERNET IN JAPAN AND IM LUCKY THIS IS IN ENGLISH. MY HONEYMOON IS QUICKLY COMING TO AN END AS JASON AND I HANG OUT IN THE TOKYO AIRPORT DURING OUR 7 HOUR LAYOVER HERE. IM ACTUALLY REALLY EXCITED ‚`‚a‚n‚t‚s GETTING BACK TO THE STATES AND STARTING OUR REAL LIFE. OUR HONEYMOON WAS FANTASTIC. I WOULD RECCOMMEND PALAU TO ANYONE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU LIKE SCUBA DIVING. IT WAS INCREDIBLE, TRULY AMAZING REALLY. THE REEFS WERE SO FULL OF COLOR AND LIFE. i SWAM WITH DOLPHINS, SHARKS, SEA TURTLES, SCHOOLS OF FISH, EELS, AND LOTS OF AMAZING CORAL. i COULD GO ON FOR DAYS, AND MAYBE I WILL. i PROMISE TO KEEP UP ON THIS JOURNAL FOR REAL FROM NOW ON. JASON AND I WILL BE STARTING OFF IN NASHVILLE, BUT IM NOT SURE HOW LONG WE WILL BE THERE TO BE HONEST. ILL KEEP THIS POSTED AS GOD TAKES US WHERE HE WANTS US TO GO! ITS EXCITING TO THINK ABOUT WHAT IS NEXT. IM REALLY SICK OF WRITING ON A COMPUTER I CANNOT CONTROL, SO IM QUITTING NOW. iLL WRITE VERY SOON. UNTIL THEN...

Lazy Saturday

And then it was November

Another month has passed and I couldn't be happier! I finished my 5-week art history course on Thursday and I turned in my last lesson for my independent study class. I'm going to take the final on Friday and I will be forever done with that menacing pain in my ars. Woohoo! Now that I have these two courses done I've found myself with free time. I haven't been recently acquainted with this luxury so I've been sure to live it up the past two days. Maybe it will catch up with me, but I've really enjoyed relaxing. It's a lost art in this country. I've soaked in about all of the pop culture I can stand on MTV, E!, and VHI. Sadly, there were not any good Saturday afternoon 80's movies showing, but I still found entertainment. Along with catching up on the culture, I caught up on my sleep. I took two naps yesterday and stayed in bed today until 2pm. I love it! I feel awake without caffeine! That's how it's supposed to be darn it. Well, enough of this boring topic.

Yesterday was Halloween and I went to a most fabulous Halloween party dressed as a lady bug. It was at my friends Kate and Myndi's apartment. Kate is in the theatre department and thus it was a party full of fine arts kids. It was like a reunion from my fine arts days in college. I saw people I lived with my freshman year in FARC (Fine Arts Residential College), people I was in University Singers with and other choirs. It was really fun and a great way to end one crazy week. Megan Retka dressed as Margot Tenenbaum and the resemblance was almost scary. She won best costume overall and raved how she had never won best costume before! I stood in the crowded apartment living room and gazed at all of the faces and costumes surrounding me. As I just stood and observed I realized that I was among these upper classmen at the party and in fact, I was graduating before many of them. It was strange to see these faces from freshman year and realize the more aged, beat down, and wiser people among me were my peers. Freshman year seems like so, so long ago, yet the memories are still so fresh and dear to my heart. Last night was a reminder of where I came from and how the first year at Mizzou helped shape who I am today, graduating in a month and heading into the big unknown! I can't wait.

And then, of course, during the party I had to call Jason to see what he was up to this Hallow's eve. He's in Colorado visiting his brother Marco. They were playing video games after a long day that included having to hike down a mountain due to an offroad adventure gone awry. He was commenting on how different it was to be among all of these college freshman. They didn't sleep, they drank caffeine at 2am so the party could continue on and on. We laughed about how we had once been those same freshman and how we had wised up since then. It's amazing how much you grow up in 3 and a half years. I'm getting married for goodness sakes!
I wasn't planning on going to visit Jason next weekend, but now I'm not sure if I can make it a whole two weeks more without him. It's great to actually be at home in Columbia this weekend. I get to hang out with my friends, friends I won't be seeing much of pretty soon. I get to sleep in! I get to go to my church and meet megan and Myndi afterwards for breakfast at Ernie's. These are the times that make my college life so enjoyable, and I keep leaving them behind for Nashville or St. Louis, or even Texas at times! It's hard coming to grips with how much I love my life and my friends here but how much more I love Jason and the future life I have with him. As that future life is drawing closer and closer I am finding it harder and harder to be content here. I miss him so much that it hurts and no length of a phone conversation can make it better. So then I think, okay, I'll go next weekend. I'll just miss the bridal shower I was going to attend and hanging out with my friends, because Jason matters more. But it's just not that simple. I look at my friend myndi and her long distance relationship with Charlie. She's only gotten to see him once this semester and the next time she'll see him is Thanksgiving. They've been going apart for six or eight weeks at a time and I'm complaining about three? And then there's megan, who's boyfriend Jon is in England! She hasn't seen him in months and still has a month and a half to go until she'll see him at Christmas. There's no free long-distance after nine plan for them. How can I complain? I feel torn, yet I know I can't invalidate my own feelings because others have it worse than I do. It's hard and confusing and I'm just ready for this to be over! I want to walk down that aisle, say I do and start my life!

I had a dream the other night that it was my wedding day. I was trying to get ready but I was having to do everything else too. Is the cake here? Is the food ready? Are the servers ready? Where are the bridesmaids? After worrying about everything else I hadn't even had my hair or make-up done and the ceremony was quickly approaching. I found my mom and asked her if she'd help me get ready. We had to walk to another location for some reason and there was a big patch of mud in front of the door I had to walk through. I asked my mom to help me lift my dress so it wouldn't drag in the mud and this seemed to really put her out. I then proceeded to get mud all up my legs and my white pantehose were brown. As I was beginning to really freak out I woke up. "that was wierd" I thought, and the dream has haunted me in the days since. What did that mean? Do I feel like I'm doing this all alone? Do I feel like it's all going to blow up in my face at the last minute? I think subconciously I do, yet I can't worry about it because I have to keep my cum laude graduation status and try to figure out what kind of job I can get in New York City! I'm ready for one life, and one life only to focus on. Somehow I don't think that will ever happen, even when I do graduate and get married. Take it a day at a time, that's all I can do.