It's my Birfday

I'm 26. It's a rather plain number I suppose, but, a good one I think. I feel like every year older I become, I am more credible in the minds of some who are older than me. I've always had older friends and now having a child at a young age, I have even more friends who are older then me because our children are similar in age. I think of the verse, "Do not let people look down on you because of your youth" all the time. I have to. I have a job that requires I direct people who are almost all older than me. There are many times that I have to be the "mature " one in situations. It's odd. I remember one of my mom's friends telling me when I was around 12 years old, "I want to be like you when I grow up" What does that mean exactly? I suppose I've always been "mature" for my age or something. So, I embrace being another year older because perhaps someday the age I seem will actually match the age I am.

Then there's the other side of the coin that I'm still asked if I'm a teenager on a semi-regular basis because of my appearance. This fall I introduced myself to a ref prior to a volleyball match and he reacted in shock. "I thought you were one of the varsity players helping the JV warm up!" Or when I went for an ultrasound and the man asked me if my mother would be accompanying me - assuming I was under 18. I try to see my youthful appearance as a good thing, and I guess when you're among high school girls wearing a volleyball jacket and jeans, it could be confusing. I was always sure I had a ring on my finger when I was pregnant. I bought a fake one a Target when my finger was too swollen for my real one. I knew one man already assumed I was an unwed teenage mother so I wanted to at least try to appear to be married and in my 20's!

Finally, it's still sinking in that I'm a mother! So, I think the older I get the more normal it will feel to me that I'm a mother. Having a baby at 24 felt a little crazy, but I'm thinking when I'm 30 I'll think, of course I'm a mother, I'm 30. Yeah, not sure if that's gonna happen, but I'd like to think at some point I'll actually get used to the fact I have a child. I still look at her sometimes and think, "You were really inside of me? I can't believe we did that!" It's a good thing you have the 9 months to prepare for a child, because it's still hard to believe it all happened sometimes, even a year later!

So, I'm 26 today. I'm a mother, I have a great job, a nice place to live, a beautiful child and a wonderful husband. I have a car I own, more than enough food to eat and plenty of clothes. I have lots of great friends and a community of people we're growing closer with and sharing our lives with. I'm very healthy, my family's healthy and we are greatly loved.
I'm 26 and I have so, so much to be thankful for.

GO TIGERS!

Mizzou-Rah, Mizzou-Rah, Mizzou-Rah, Tigers!

An Introspection

Now that volleyball is over I actually have some spare time, which leads to thinking, which leads to blogging. So I may be posting more frequently. Though if you know me, you're not holding your breath.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot today. It started as I was reading in Jeremiah. The entire book is God lamenting that though He's called His people back to himself over and over again, they are still sacrificing their children to other gods, they're defiling the temple, they're taking advantage of the fatherless and the poor - they're going completely by their own devices.

As I did some other research about the times I started to think about the condition of my heart. I wondered, if I knew that I was headed to hell, no matter what, damnation was coming, what would I be like here on earth. The answer is not pretty. I would be gluttonous, selfish, I would walk all over people to get what I want. I may even get sick of being selfish and start being nice to people and generous, but even that would be only to make myself feel good, which is a selfish ambition.

There was a recent study that came out stating that we are all born violent and we have to be taught not to be violent. I'm sure some people are more prone to this violence than others, but we all are to some extent.

I'm still not comfortable with the notion that everyone is born a "sinner" because I don't believe one bit that my daughter is a sinner. The word sinner to me implies making a choice between right and wrong. Rather Amelia is prone to following her own humanity, which she will eventually become aware is not always right. I tell her "no touch" as she reaches for the outlet, oven, or any other number of things that could hurt/kill her. And even though she's starting to really understand what I'm saying she still chooses to touch. She just can't help her curiosity. She still has no concept at all of defiance. She just knows what she wants and doesn't really care why I don't want her to have it.

*I was reading all of these posts from moms on a babycenter chat page and they were discussing discipline. The ideas and opinions varied hugely and things got pretty hairy when they started talking about if it's okay to swat a hand or spank. Now I personally do not plan on hitting our children ever if possible, but I do understand some parent's who use spanking, in a controlled, non-angry, completely understood by the child way. Unfortunately this is not usually what I see happening to kids in public. This brings me back to the study saying we are all prone to violence. Swatting Amelia's hand would be a lot easier than continually re-directing, taking her hand off the object, saying no touch in a calm voice. I think a lot of people are stuck reacting naturally, which is violent - physical and verbal - and unfortunately a lot of people use the Bible as their reference for justifying this violence - "spare the rod, spoil the child". Rod here was referring to a shepherd guiding his sheep, thus we need to guide our children, we need to have discipline and consequences in their lives, but we don't literally have to use a rod against them. The point of this paragraph: we are prone to doing what is easiest, even if it's not best.

So how do all of these random paragraphs tie together? I've realized that the person I know I would be if I knew I was damned is the person I am inside. The only true good that comes out of me, the only true selflessness I feel, the only motivations I ever feel that don't just come back to my own needs and desires are 100% a gift of God and for that I am so, so thankful. I don't say these things to get down on myself or to say that I'm less of a good person than anyone else, I just know that I'm a lot less good than God in every way and without Him my life here and after would be so, so much less. So, I'm really not much different than those Israelites, or Jonah, or David with Bathsheba. I guess that's why God wants us to know their stories. To see the depths of our depravity but then to see the great heights of God's love and mercy to them, and now to us.


*this was a bit of a tangent, I couldn't help myself

Amelia had her first stomach bug this week. So sad. She's on the mend now thankfully. I feel like I lost a couple days this week. I can't believe it's Friday. We have a volleyball tournament tomorrow. We had one last Saturday too and we won! It was a long day but very fun. So far we're undefeated! I don't think I can take much credit for our success, but as a coach, it's nice to be winning.

The weather here has finally gotten cooler and I'm enjoying it greatly. I hope the hot stuff doesn't come back.

And now that I'm discussing the weather I realize I really don't have anything interesting to talk about right now! Oh well. If you'd like to follow our volleyball team you can check out the website here!