Lazy Saturday

And then it was November

Another month has passed and I couldn't be happier! I finished my 5-week art history course on Thursday and I turned in my last lesson for my independent study class. I'm going to take the final on Friday and I will be forever done with that menacing pain in my ars. Woohoo! Now that I have these two courses done I've found myself with free time. I haven't been recently acquainted with this luxury so I've been sure to live it up the past two days. Maybe it will catch up with me, but I've really enjoyed relaxing. It's a lost art in this country. I've soaked in about all of the pop culture I can stand on MTV, E!, and VHI. Sadly, there were not any good Saturday afternoon 80's movies showing, but I still found entertainment. Along with catching up on the culture, I caught up on my sleep. I took two naps yesterday and stayed in bed today until 2pm. I love it! I feel awake without caffeine! That's how it's supposed to be darn it. Well, enough of this boring topic.

Yesterday was Halloween and I went to a most fabulous Halloween party dressed as a lady bug. It was at my friends Kate and Myndi's apartment. Kate is in the theatre department and thus it was a party full of fine arts kids. It was like a reunion from my fine arts days in college. I saw people I lived with my freshman year in FARC (Fine Arts Residential College), people I was in University Singers with and other choirs. It was really fun and a great way to end one crazy week. Megan Retka dressed as Margot Tenenbaum and the resemblance was almost scary. She won best costume overall and raved how she had never won best costume before! I stood in the crowded apartment living room and gazed at all of the faces and costumes surrounding me. As I just stood and observed I realized that I was among these upper classmen at the party and in fact, I was graduating before many of them. It was strange to see these faces from freshman year and realize the more aged, beat down, and wiser people among me were my peers. Freshman year seems like so, so long ago, yet the memories are still so fresh and dear to my heart. Last night was a reminder of where I came from and how the first year at Mizzou helped shape who I am today, graduating in a month and heading into the big unknown! I can't wait.

And then, of course, during the party I had to call Jason to see what he was up to this Hallow's eve. He's in Colorado visiting his brother Marco. They were playing video games after a long day that included having to hike down a mountain due to an offroad adventure gone awry. He was commenting on how different it was to be among all of these college freshman. They didn't sleep, they drank caffeine at 2am so the party could continue on and on. We laughed about how we had once been those same freshman and how we had wised up since then. It's amazing how much you grow up in 3 and a half years. I'm getting married for goodness sakes!
I wasn't planning on going to visit Jason next weekend, but now I'm not sure if I can make it a whole two weeks more without him. It's great to actually be at home in Columbia this weekend. I get to hang out with my friends, friends I won't be seeing much of pretty soon. I get to sleep in! I get to go to my church and meet megan and Myndi afterwards for breakfast at Ernie's. These are the times that make my college life so enjoyable, and I keep leaving them behind for Nashville or St. Louis, or even Texas at times! It's hard coming to grips with how much I love my life and my friends here but how much more I love Jason and the future life I have with him. As that future life is drawing closer and closer I am finding it harder and harder to be content here. I miss him so much that it hurts and no length of a phone conversation can make it better. So then I think, okay, I'll go next weekend. I'll just miss the bridal shower I was going to attend and hanging out with my friends, because Jason matters more. But it's just not that simple. I look at my friend myndi and her long distance relationship with Charlie. She's only gotten to see him once this semester and the next time she'll see him is Thanksgiving. They've been going apart for six or eight weeks at a time and I'm complaining about three? And then there's megan, who's boyfriend Jon is in England! She hasn't seen him in months and still has a month and a half to go until she'll see him at Christmas. There's no free long-distance after nine plan for them. How can I complain? I feel torn, yet I know I can't invalidate my own feelings because others have it worse than I do. It's hard and confusing and I'm just ready for this to be over! I want to walk down that aisle, say I do and start my life!

I had a dream the other night that it was my wedding day. I was trying to get ready but I was having to do everything else too. Is the cake here? Is the food ready? Are the servers ready? Where are the bridesmaids? After worrying about everything else I hadn't even had my hair or make-up done and the ceremony was quickly approaching. I found my mom and asked her if she'd help me get ready. We had to walk to another location for some reason and there was a big patch of mud in front of the door I had to walk through. I asked my mom to help me lift my dress so it wouldn't drag in the mud and this seemed to really put her out. I then proceeded to get mud all up my legs and my white pantehose were brown. As I was beginning to really freak out I woke up. "that was wierd" I thought, and the dream has haunted me in the days since. What did that mean? Do I feel like I'm doing this all alone? Do I feel like it's all going to blow up in my face at the last minute? I think subconciously I do, yet I can't worry about it because I have to keep my cum laude graduation status and try to figure out what kind of job I can get in New York City! I'm ready for one life, and one life only to focus on. Somehow I don't think that will ever happen, even when I do graduate and get married. Take it a day at a time, that's all I can do.

Oh how time flies

I see that my last blog was nearly two weeks ago and I almost can't believe it. Time has been flying by at a rapid pace, but you won't find me complaining. Keep it coming. Only two months until graduation-freedom-the real world! I'm eager for it's arrival, but I'm still appreciating what's around me every day.

Jason and I went to a pre-marital seminar this past weekend. I think it would have been okay if there had been another couple our age, heck, even in our same status of getting married for the first time! Jason and I were surrounded by couples in their forties who were getting married for the second time. With the exception of the two 18 year-olds, one working at WAL-mart, the other at Arby's. But they weren't engaged, thank goodness. In fact, not to be critical here, but that room was filled with people who shouldn't be getting married. So, that's the approach the minister teaching the class took. A doom and gloom perspective on marriage if you will. Marriage is hard. Even if it's good at first once you have kids your life is over. Basically, not the most uplifting weekend of my life. But, Jason and I are still getting married and miraculously escaped still being excited about that!

We met with Windows Off Washington and picked out our food and then went to McArthurs Bakery and picked out a wedding cake. It was fun! I can't say Jason and I got very into picking the cake, but we're happy with the one we chose. It's a cake for goodness sakes. Those people with bridges and fountains and little cake villages...please people.

Today I've been entering all of the guests and their addresses on my little planner on the knot.com. The numbers are already getting up there and I haven't even had Jason put on the people his mom gave him yet! I feel like in many ways a wedding takes on a complete life of its own. It starts out all yours. Then, you need help, so little pieces go here and there. Your ideas are expressed but somehow the details get lost in a jumble of wedding necessities and non-negotiables and "I wish's" and then your ideas are built upon or taken away from. Everyone has an opinion, everyone has advice. Some are good, some you could do without, but you smile and say, "I'll think about that" Then you just start to not care anymore and say "whatever you want!" Then you awake in the middle of the night from a nightmare in which you were surrounded by pink bows and bad tuxedos and think, Dear God, what have I let these people do to my wedding! I'm sure it will all be fine!

School is actually feeling pretty managable at the moment. I am miraculously not only passing my independent study course, but I got a B on the midterm. If you don't believe in God, I can tell you He's real simply in that grade!
So, I don't know if my ramblings have made sense, but I've enjoyed the rambling. I'll try not to let another two weeks slip by before the next ramblings. Until next time...

Are we there yet?

I keep asking myself if it's January yet...three more months. Well, 3 months and two days to be exact. But who's counting? I have my first of three bridal showers this Sunday. I'm really looking forward to it. I can't believe how quickly it's come because my aunts and I sat down in July to plan this far off event, and now it's here. Wow, time flies.

This semester has been one of searching for balance almost daily in what I spend my time doing, and where I let my thoughts wander. Sometimes it's very overwhelming. I came to college not so much focused on the degree I would earn, but rather on the relationships I would build and the light I could be here for the Lord. As the requirements of that degree I don't really care about heighten and intensify as the end draws near, I find myself in a battle. Spend time with my friends or on that darned independent study class? Spend time leading a Bible study or reading the 100 pages assigned in any one of my classes this week? Write on my blog, or go to sleep? Am I painting a picture for you? So there's the attempted balance of spending as much time with those I hold dear in Columbia while I still can, seeing Jason as much as possible, and graduating from college (this requiring time devoted to studying and such). I have yet to mentions the running checklist of wedding responsibilities that never stops. Yesterday I bought a longlasting lipstick when I did my grocery shopping at WAl-Mart. I lamented over which color to choose for at least 15 minutes, only to get out of my shopping line to make a last-minute color change. Ridiculous stuff people. So, I bring it home and try it on and of course, I don't like the color. Oh, it's a pretty color, just not on me. So, I must exchange the lipstick. I couldn't wait until later. I was so concerned with marking the "get lipstick for wedding" box off my list that I couldn't concentrate on my schoolwork until the lipstick issue was settled. I spoke with my dear friend Leslie about this whole episode and as a shower gift, she is having my make-up done for me on my wedding day. Now that's a true friend. Check that one off the list!

This weekend I must say my balance was lacking and I swayed heavily into the spend time with friends area. I spent time with many different friends of mine and it was great. There was an impromptu camping trip and then a last minute breakfast after church date with two of my closest friends. There are friends that you have fun with and then there are your friends who would be more accurately described as kindred spirits. I spent Sunday morning after church sipping coffee with my friends Megan Retka and Myndi Meyer. It felt like coming home. There is something about the company of these two girls that sets my soul at ease. It doesn't matter how much work I should be doing at the moment. The checklist lessens to a dull roar, my fatigue lifts, my mood soars. The whole day is better because I was in the company of these friends. Of course I live with one of them, but there's something about the three of us. It was wonderful and just what I needed.

Sometimes I wonder if January is really going to come. Heck, right now I'd be happy with December because at least that brings graduation! Never in my life have I felt so many things all at once, but I know it has a purpose, and it will all work together for the good. God is faithful, He always has been and will continue to be. For example, I'm writing this blog using my new computer. God is faithful. I will make it through as long as I let him do the prioritizing. I just have to come along for the wild ride!

Still going strong

So begins week four of classes and still in deep. Luckily, I'm not drowning, just swimming like the dickens to keep my head above water. It's been great strengthening the old ties of Columbia and getting used to it once more as home. It's hard to believe that all of this really will come to an end. The thought is comforting, exciting, and downright nerve racking.

As a child I remember thinking about my future. I wasn't one of those little girls planning my wedding at the age of four, I was much more concerned with tree climbing techniques. However, I did imagine myself going to college and then getting married, but that's really where it stopped. I think it's tangible territory-college and marriage- because we see it so much growing up and it's drilled into our little heads that that's what you do with your life. However, what you do after these things is anybody's best guess. I feel like I can imagine every detail up to January 9th, maybe even into the honeymoon a bit, but even that's a blur. After January 9th it all goes blank. Really, it's a big duh, um, er, well...oh boy. Yeah, that's pretty much what I've got. Good stuff huh? The older I've gotten the more I've realized that no one really knows what they're doing. People might act like they've got it together but you know what, at night they're uttering a prayer of desperation just to make it through another day. We don't know what the heck we're doing, but we keep on trecking, keep on searching. Searching for that purpose, that destiny, the reason we were created in the first place. I guess my problem is that I'm still not sure what the answer is, and I'm not sure I ever will. A big thing I've learned from engagement is it kills me to know what's coming next when next is not the near future. So, maybe God is doing this on purpose. Maybe I can't know what's next yet because if I did it would kill me to not be doing it!

All I really know is that I still want to sing and write music with Jason more than anything else in this entire world and if God's plan was rock stardom I would truly be the happiest woman on earth. So maybe that means something. I know God places burning passions that won't let up no matter how hard you try to shake them off for a reason. What is it? I guess I just have to wait and see. Until next time...

And Here We Go...

Here I am, back in Columbia and already in the thick of it. I think that every semester I have to go back to classes it takes me a little bit longer each time to get back into the groove. I think each time I'm faced with a syllabus I just don't want to think about how this course work is going to take over my life, especially when it's material I really don't care about. This being my last semester, and anticipating my marriage and graduation, and being apart from Jason again, has made it by far the hardest one to accept and to move forward with. The first week of classes I believe I was in complete denial that all of these proffessor's assignments really pertained to me. Not me, I have too many other things to worry about! This week has been more of a general accpetance of my reality and figuring out how I'm going to deal with it. I went running on Tuesday and used that time to tell God how there's no way I can handle all that's on my plate this semester. He responded. I got a letter from the college of education telling me I didn't need one of my classes to graduate. This class happened to be the hardest one on my schedule. The deal was that I only needed 1 hour of credit and not three. So, I promptly dropped my overwhelming, 5 book course and replaced it with a simple one hour, five-week long Art History class studying Michelangelo. Woohoo! Now I can handle this semester! There's still that pesky independent study class that I was going to so diligently complete this summer. Ha! What was I thinking? I have to have the course completed by November 10th. Nothing like a true deadline to motivate you! So, I feel like I can handle the semester now, and I'm facing up to my reality. However, it doesn't keep me from dreaming of what lies ahead in 4 months and 3 days.

Speaking of the event in 4 months and 3 days, last weekend in good 'ol San Angelo Texas there was a big fat Texas style engagement party for Jason and I. It was so, so much fun. The highlights for me were meeting all of the Wilson's wonderful friends and dancing with Jason to the fabulous sounds of the 12-peice mariache band that was hired to play for the occasion. They were awesome and it was so much fun! We were given so many gifts that we had registered for and so many good wishes and reassurances of what a wonderful family I am marrying into. It really couldn't have gone any better! Jason's good friend Cody was able to come into town for the party from Austin and I think it was really cool for him to spend some quality time with him. I tried to give them their time together but it did make the weekend a little hard in that Jason and I really didn't get to spend much time together. It's okay, I had prepared myself for this occurence. In 4 months he's mine! I'll get to see him every day! I can't wait. Even though it's incredibly hard being apart again (the hardest it's ever been) it gives me amazing perspective on just how much I do love him and how right it is that we are getting married. Life is just not as sweet without him to share every day with. So, once again, sweet perspective brought through bitter circumstances. That's how life goes.

I want to appreciate every day that I spend here. I want to spend purposeful time with those around me that I truly care about so much. Yet, I want to get away at every opportunity that arises. I don't quite understand it. I think it's a defensive separation from this place so when I leave it for good it's a celebration. The only way that can truly happen though is if I've made the most of my time here. No regrets. No people I really wish I had spent more time with instead of going to Nashville at every opportunity. Is it possible, this balance between romantic love and the love of my friends? I don't know, I guess I'm just going to try. Life is so in depth, so many layers, so much into the making of each person's experiences and opinions and perspectives and purpose. I can't quite wrap my mind around it. I guess I just want to be a part of as many layers as I can. And so I continue each day, striving to make it count, to make it matter, to make it last, to make a difference that's real and impactful. It's my quest and my mission yet I know I can't do it alone. Only with the Lord at my side will any day, any relationship, any investment truly matter and only through him will I survive it all. Here I go...

Happy Birthday Grandpa!
Today is my grandpa Nester's 79th birthday and I just wanted to give a shout out to him on his special day! My grandpa is an extremely generous man who has been one of the cornerstones of my life growing up and a huge part of my entire family still today. I am so thankful to have had him involved so deeply in mine and my siblings' lives from attending sports games to choir concerts it has always meant a lot that he cares so much. He reads this blog all the time and I just wanted to let him know through this outlet how special he is and to let anyone else who is reading this know what a great man and grandfather Norval Nester is. I love you grandpa.

"You don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" - Joni Mitchell

It's the first week of school. Here comes the predicted statement of "I miss Jason" because I do, horribly. Luckily we are spending the weekend together in Texas where his parents are throwing us an engagement party. It should be a lot of fun and a great quick escape from the reality of syllabi and looming deadlines that are already swirling in my head and making my stomache flutter. It's great to be back in columbia living with my friends. I really did miss them and having them to share life with. I'm excited about the topics of my classes- not the work required however- but it gives me great motivation and inspiration that this is my last semester of college and after this I can choose to never sit in a classroom again if I so desire. For some reason that's empowering to me. Coming to college was definitely a choice and one I made eagerly and willingly. However, I also knew if I wanted to be taken seriously in the world and to open lots of doors and opportunities, I needed a degree. So I guess it's just empowering to know that I'll now have that degree and I don't necessarily need another one to do things of importance in the world. But I digress.
It's bitersweet being here and I won't lie- I'm not thrilled to death. I'm glad it's only 15 weeks, yet it's also startling to realize that after those short weeks a huge chapter of my life is over and it leads to the biggest plunge of my life-marriage. I'm excited about it but it's also hitting me what a large plunge it is, so I'm glad to have 4 more months to prepare myself and this painful time apart to give me the perspective of just how right it is that I'm marrying this man. With college, with Jason, with singlehood, with deep friendships and little joys like your computer working- you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Until next time....

Another Ending

Well, this is it. Tomorrow I move all my stuff back to Columbia MO. I'm really looking forward to living with my friends again. The roomate's of this summer have been many and difficult, so I'm ready for the familiar and the wonderful! I will be back in Nashville briefly this weekend to do my checkout scuba dive and grab a cup of joe with a friend, and then Sunday night it's Radiohead in St. Louis followed by class on Monday at 1pm. Man this summer flew by fast.

Jason and I went apartment hunting yesterday and today and I'm excited to say we found an awesome apartment complex with two buildings. Since we're looking now and putting ourselves on the top of the list for January the woman has guaranteed us we'll have an apartment in this complex. We are really excited. It's two great buildings, one built in 1929 and one in 1919. Hard wood floors, vaulted ceilings, they're just perfect, and even within our budget! It's really hitting me that I'm getting married now. It's less than five months away, the dresses are being made, the floral plans have been gathered, hotel rooms blocked, the honeymoon suite at the Ritz, the honeymoon and my scuba certification. It's all really coming together. I'm really excited-I'm ready.

Even though I'm excited and ready, I'm still thankful for these last few months ahead to enjoy my girlfriends, to enjoy being single just a little longer, to get some awesome pre-marital counseling, and to daily give this all over to God and pray for His grace in my life and in our married life to come. Sometimes I can't help thinking wow, we're so young. But, when you know you've found the right person why does it matter how old you are when you've found them? God has a purpose for us, I'm sure of it. What that is lies yet to be determined, but we'll find it day to day, together. I feel like I'm giving up a lot by saying goodbye to being single so young, but I'm doing it because of the certainty that I'm gaining so much more. I've been given an incredible partner to explore with, to dream with, to succeed and to fail with. To love, to cherish, to hold and protect, to serve and to share with, to truly live with. What an amazing blessing, and we're so young! We're so blessed. Sometimes it brings a tear to my eye.
Well, anyway, I'm leaving tomorrow and I leave with excitement towards what's ahead. Even though I want to be married today to move into our cute new apartment and start my life permanently here, I'm still so excited about the lingering days of my singleness, living with five of my best friends and writing the final chapter on my college career. Pretty exciting stuff. I'm ready for it.

Almost Over

Almost Over

The summer is quickly winding down, as I knew it would. Tomorrow is my last day at Ted's Montana Grill and honestly, I am thrilled. I am done with burgers and fries and praying for big tips. Unfortunately, financially Ted's did not provide all I had hoped for. I think after all is said and done I'll have enough to pay September's rent in Columbia, but I was hoping for October, November and December too. So, my dream of not working my last semester of college will remain simply that, a dream. I've gotten the wheels turning on what kind of job I can fit into this crazy semester. I'm sure God will provide.
I had my brother and sister here last week. We had a lot of fun, but now I want to wait even longer to have kids! I start the pill on Sunday and it couldn't come a moment sooner. Come January I want absolutely no possibility of babies!!!!! Ah!
I'm going into the studio on Monday. A real studio, with $20,000 dollar microphones. This is our big chance! I'm praying!
There's not much more to say. School is only like two weeks away. Until then I have scuba lessons, a wedding in KC and a Radiohead concert (woohoo!) Then it will be blogs of longing for the man I must leave behind here in nashville, along with some other longings such as I wish the relationships of college could go on forever unchanged, but I know a big change is quickly approaching and man I want it to be January 9th! Until next time...

When Even The Cat is Not Welcome Here

Yes, my friend. Things haven't changed, and the relapse of Cassie into her pre-Chateau days has forced me to reevaluate my standings, with roomates and with friends.

Its funny -- not funny-ha-ha -- how things transform and morph, out of expectations and out of fear. Relationships, mostly. For the longest time, I resisted the change of my friends who were paired up in serious relationships. Now, however, I'm seeing the other end of the tunnel: the things that I have so fervently scrutinized are now becoming a prevalent notion. Or, I'm afraid I'm becoming 'the girl with the boyfriend.' And we ALL know how much I don't like that.
But -- and here's the revelation -- in all the chaos that spending nearly 24/7 with someone brings, I have seen what incredible value my friends hold in my life; the dearness to which I hold their words, deeds, and advice is buried deep within my heart, and I look to those things constantly.
Coming from a family of mediocre ties, I consider my friends to be just as tight as blood kin. Sometimes more, in certain aspects. And these ties are foundational -- its really my own Greek Family....
So, in all these things, whether in one or all fifty pictures, they are close to my heart.

PS: Natalie, did you know you sent me a link to post on your blog?

Side note

Some things never change- well, one thing actually. Cassie the cat and her mean, mean ways.

Alone

Surrounded by the empty familiar

I have found myself back in the familiarity of all that is Columbia Missouri, yet it is not home because all of those who make it so are not here. I've never been in Columbia during the summer and now I'm glad for that. It's dead- at least to me.
You know what I think one of the worst feelings in the world is? Self-doubt. The kind of doubt that comes from flipping through one of your best friends' photo albums and not seeing your picture more than twice out of fifty. What do you do with that? How can you not feel insecure about that? How many times would they be in your photo album if you had made one, and how many people who are truly important wouldn't make a dramatic or memorable appearance? Who do I do this to?
And then you wonder why you call home your home, and what truly makes it that. Is it real? Does anyone truly love you other than your cat-and he only loves you because you leave food for him on the porch and make him a home with a cardboard box and a strip of old carpet.

The root of it all lies in where one finds her identity. If it lies in surroundings, places, people, hobbies, passions, purpose - she's doomed to feel lost. Daily things are changing- you're changing, I'm changing and sometimes by the minute. Different places near and far. Experiences one can't repeat yet will never lose hold of. Even returning to the familiar after short months of separation things are different and it will only continue. There's no guarantee of the people in a place- that make up a place for the individual- their permanence in body or in spirit. Ever transforming, ever changing, being refined and falling flat on our faces. Trying new things, searching for what was, has been or is yet to be. Hoping, expecting, anticipating, dissappointment, relief, love, life, passion.
Self-doubt. What makes up a person? What makes her significant? What makes her count, or at least makes her feel that way? Identity in the unchanging, the rock, her foundation, her first-only-true love. Desperate for words to express deeply and wholly what is true and only one place to turn.

"I made her in such a way that she would need me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be... only because I need for her to learn to depend on me...I know her heart, I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own chosen way and forget me...her Creator. Psalm 62:5-8

I'm here

Summer is more than half over and I'm wondering what happened. Somewhere within the flurry of sucking up for better tips and paying off a credit card, I have less than a month left of working. I'm not going to have saved nearly what I'd hoped for. The good thing is, I'm not worried about it. I'm done worrying about money-at least for this week. What's the point? I've never starved or gone homeless or without clothing in the past, and isn't that all that really matters? Pointless blabber.
Life is good, but also funny. I'm finally comfortable here, both roommates are gone and life is pretty good- and it's winding down to a finish. Why does it take me so long to adjust to change? It's a very annoying quality I possess and I fight it all the time. Jason and I are feverishly recording songs, trying to accomplish what we thought would be so easily a 4 or 5 song demo. We'll see. But I love it, I love making music with this man, and I love the places it's going- it is going places. Anyway, my life for the next month is completely planned out with plans each and every weekend, including a one-week stay of my 9 year-old sister and 14 year-old brother. When things are planned the time is damned. I don't know if that really makes sense, but basically I'm saying time FLIES, and I know it will. Get ready for the future blogs of Natalie longing to live in the same place as Jason and just wanting to marry the kid already! It's coming. Until next time...

Looking at Life with fresh eyes

The ultimate value of life depends upon awareness and the power of contemplation rather than upon mere survival. - Aristotle

A lot has happened within the last week to make me stop and "contemplate" this life and all within it. First I went home. Ah, home. Bridgeton Missouri in it's 4th of July finest. I attended the parade in that abhoring heat not even so much for the parade, but just to soak up the traditions and memories I hold so dear from growing up. The parade is the same every year from the community band that plays so proudly (but not quite on tune) to the man dressed up as Elvis. He's there every year and I still haven't figured out why, however that doesn't make him any less endearing. Our neighbors are there, our friends are there, even Amy Bess, my grade school babysitter- the best in the world! It's just a wonderful event that brings a dying community together and gives us folks from the street once known as Selwyn Lane back together as true neighbors again. Damn the man, Bridgeton Forever!
After the parade we head over to Aunt Jeans and get some much needed cooling by hanging out in the pool and sipping on strawberry daquiris. Jason and my brothers turned a calm cabana atmosphere into the wave pool as they fought each other with styrophome noodles and had dunking wars. Good times for all. I found myself circled in the pool by my aunts and cousins talking about wedding plans. Have you picked out any flowers? Have you picked out any music? How are you going to do your hair, what kind of party favors should we have? And of course, my aunt Jean updates me on what she's already bought for my bridal shower that's still months away. Gotta love it.
July 5th we headed to Innsbrook to spend the weekend with friends who are as close as the family from the 4th. We had a great time on the lake, barbequing and hanging out on the deck, and watching an amazing fireworks show on the beach. It was the first time I've seen fireworks in 3 years and it was great! Jason and I had some very stimulating and quality conversation with my parents and the DeRousses that night after the fireworks and all the other family's departures. It's amazing how malt beverages and good company can make a good evening great!
Sunday we headed back to St. Louis and then had a late afternoon reunion party at the Oberle's. Of course it was all of the same people from the weekend, but why should the party have ended, right? Good times and truly great people. My dad said that there was no other people or place than he would rather be than with the company of our weekend. We are truly blessed with an amazing community of friends and family.
Jason and I left St. Louis at about 7:00 Sunday night and continued on into the night towards Nashville. We stopped somewhere in Kentucky at about 10pm to use the restroom and I took over the wheel. All was calm and we were pretty alone on the road. Suddenly from the side of the road runs out this dog. I'm not even sure it was a dog because it was really big, but it looked very dog-like. The "dog" ran out right into the middle of the highway. All I had time to say was "oh crap". I swerved my car to the left to miss the dog while simultaneously slamming on the breaks. My car started sliding diagonally down the highway. I was steering into the spin but getting nowhere. I turned the wheel into the opposite direction and Jason told me to take my foot off the brakes. At this the car did a complete 360 and I could see the cars' headlights from the other side of the highway in Jason's window. We flew into the grass median and I quickly steered us away from the oncoming traffic and slammed back on the breaks. With the friction of the grass we were able to stop in a matter of seconds. After we were stopped I put the car into park and sat there absolutely shocked. Jason said I love you and Praise God- poetry at this point. Somehow in all of the careening my headlights had turned off. I turned back on the lights and ten feet in front of me was a yellow diamond with orange reflection circles on it showing me where the next median began. We were within in 10 feet of what could have been a nightmare. Praise the Lord is right. His hand and grace has never been so evident in my life. Clearly He was guiding my car, he timed it so that there were no cars around us, He gave Jason the cool head to tell me what to do, I didn't feel an ounce of fear. God sent His angels to keep us safe- He still has plans for us on this earth! Praise Him and His amazing hands that give life and carry out His will. I am so blessed.
After that crazy near miss I got off at the next exit to check out my car. Amazingly there was absolutely no damage to my car. The only evidence of the event was the pungent odor of burnt rubber that was still streaming from my tires. Jason offered to drive the rest of the way home and I gladly accepted the offer. Life is so precious and it can all go away so fast! So much happened within a matter of seconds. Everything went into slow motion and even as I recount the event it seems as though it was a minute of pandimonium. In reality it was probably about 20 seconds tops. Within a heartbeat everything can change. I don't ever want to forget that and I want to make each day, each moment truly count.
Another chilling reminder of the fragility of life came yesterday. Setting up the restaraunt Monday morning Tim came up behind me and told me that a very special little boy in his life had died on Sunday. He had a collapsed lung and the 3 year-old fought for weeks, but sadly lost the battle. He would have been four this month. Tim has had a lot of tragedy in his life in the last 6 months and now I'm so worried about him. Jason and I took him out to dinner last night. He's heading to Michigan for the funeral on Thursday and then is heading down to Texas to spend a few weeks on his own in reflection, recovering and refreshing. I'm going to give him some scriptures to look at, because he can only find true comfort and strength in one place-His loving father who's hurting for him right now even more than I am.
These situations are so tough for me. I just want to take him into my arms and tell him everything will be okay, that this little boy is in an amazingly better place and that there is still hope and love for him in this world if he'll ask for it. If he'll ask for it. I want to fix it for him, to mend his heart that is beyond broken-it's crushed. But I can't. I can't fix it, and I can't promise what will come next and that it will be okay. I can only offer him the hope that I have found and pray that he too will find this peace that surpasses all understanding within this world.
On a joyful final note- the roommate situation has improved! Charlotte, Jason and I have had a couple wonderful conversations and there was even one night when the three of us roomies hung out for at least an hour! It feels to good to be at peace with her in my house- our house. Now that everything is good again though, they're both leaving! Rachel is moving back home to Washington for a few months because she lost her job and needs to make some money to get back ahead of the game. She's leaving Sunday and I'm going to miss her a lot. Charlotte has found a new apartment because she was only staying for the summer. She's already begun moving stuff into the new place, and soon she will take her bed(the one I've been sleeping on!) luckily, Rachel is leaving her bed. A new girl, Mary Claire, will be moving in at the end of July. Potentially I'll have the entire place to myself for a couple weeks! Good times.
This has been an incredibly long and eventful blog and for reading this far I commend you! Live each day to the fullest and until the next time...

Lookout! It's a special Monday edition of Natalie's blog. Woohoo!
So, I'm here in the computer lab with Jason because he's researching this big paper. His recent devotion to his class as it's ending has inspired me to finally start my independent study class. So far, so good. I'm thinking I can knock out a lesson in about 2 or 3 days, depending. So, there's only 10 lessons...I'm sure I'll be done before fall semester starts. But, on to more interesting topics.
So, I've written in earlier blogs of the irony I've faced in coming to Nashvegas. I wanted to leave COMO so badly I almost couldn't take it anymore. I'm gone for about 2 weeks and I'm realizing all the wonderful things I have there, or really I should just say friends. I've had crazy roommate adventures thus far in Nashvegas and my roommates in Columbia are some of my best friends. I have the one man I truly and utterly love here, but I have no females to share with, to laugh and cry with, to be accountable with in this relationship or my faith. I have so much there, and so much here. They're equally important, equally wonderful, equally needed- these girl relationships and Jason- yet I currently cannot have both. So, I'm torn. I'm not as I was in Columbia, itching to leave and find bigger things, but I'm not settled in Nashville. I can't ignore the massive hole that is the lack of my dear friends in my daily life. Phone and email just aren't the same--that's why I'm in Nashville with Jason! I guess right now I just can't have it all- but I want to!
It's taking me back to my first semester of college. It's a time when everything is new and different and you're meeting so many people all at once. I remember sitting back and deciding who of all of these people I was meeting seemed like the kind of person I could really connect with and develop a close friendship with. I chose a few and then started the adventure and sometimes greuling process of getting to know these people. Friendships take time- a lot of time if you want them to be real and meaningful, and I'm all about real and meaningful relationships. Relationships are all that truly matter in this life. Effecting other hearts, other souls, is the only truly eternal impact one can have. Friends are worth more than all the riches in the world. Okay, I now think I've reached the point of rambling.

Basically, I miss my friends, I feel like a freshman in college again, only now I'm not meeting people at Crusade and in the dorm. I've got the fellow Ted's servers and cooks (yes!), a church bible study (potential) and not all that much time to make those "meaningful" relationships. The scariest and most challenging part is that this truly is practice for what lies only 6 months away. I tell myself it will be different then, things will be more permanent then, I'll be done with school and so will Jason, we'll be married and living together-but will it really be all that more permanent? Will I really have more time to make these friends than I do now? There's no time like the present right? It's a tricky situation. I'm learning a lot. It's painful and slow and at times painfully slow, but all good things come with time.

I'm excited by the future and all the challenges it holds. I'm even excited by the challenges I'm facing right now, because I know how much stronger and better of a person it makes me. And, I have amazing people at my side-even if that's only through a phone call or email. I'm going home this weekend. I think it will be a great break from all of these challenges and a chance to regroup and refresh. Two more days. Until next time...

Another week has flown by and it's Thursday already! Thursday has become my official blogging day because it's my only day off during the week and it just works out nicely =)
Life right now is great. I'm going home for the 4th of July weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. Jason is really tired from school and work every day, so he's also really looking forward to a little R&R.
I was talking to my maid of honor Jamie today and trying to make some wedding plans. It is now only a little over 6 months away! I guess I should start planning right? Ha! I have the place, I have the dress, and I have the groom. What else matters right? Just flowers, place settings, decorations, table decorations, invitations, programs, hotel arrangement, travel arrangements, music, food, hair, alterations, tuxedos... yeah, there's a lot left to do. This is why I needed a long engagement! I have had since February and all I've got is the place, my dress and my bridesmaids dresses and the rehearsal dinner. I really wish I was familiar with flowers. I just want pretty ones. Can we work with that? pretty ones that don't cost a lot...go! We'll see. I am very very blessed to be surrounded by excited, willing parties who are encouraging me to get moving and giving me some great ideas!

I bought scuba gear today. Mask, air tube thingy, fins, wet suit, duffel bag, booties. Yep, I'm ready to go. I take my lessons and get certified at the beginning of August. Hopefully I'll give more devotion to studying the scuba materials than I have to my independent study class...I'm gonna start it tonight I swear! I just can't believe June is almost over. Time is flying.
The roommate situation has come to a stand still. I wrote her a nice note and she hasn't talked to me since. I guess no talking is better than confrontation of "I don't like you" I'm praying for her. I don't say that to sound self-righteous, she just needs it. Anyone else could feel free to pray for her too. Her name is Charlotte.
Okay, that's enough for today. Until next time...

Columbia House records. All you have to do is buy 5 CD's within the next two years and you can have 14 free now! I'm such a sucker. Do you know how quickly two years goes by? It's amazing. I still have to buy 4 more by August or I'll be charged for the 14 I got free. Oh snap! So, I'll go parousing through the titles of CDs that haven't sold well enough in stores and our now on sale for an amazing $14.99. I'm getting screwed! But anyway, on to more important matters; my roommate.
Okay, well, things have gone from unbelievable, to bad, to shocking and now we're at a good, there's nothing more I can do. She hates me. Though she hasn't taken the time to get to know who I really am, she thinks I'm a selfish rich kid who's a couch potatoe who doesn't like to work. You talk, but she doesn't listen. You try to reason with her and you end up on a tangent from timbukto about how her parents are homeless right now. I'm really sorry her parents are homeless, we can talk about that, but what does that have to do with coming to an agreement about the thermostat?! I swear. I wrote her a note, since talking just wasn't working. I didn't even talk about the thermostat or any stupid petty living things in it, I just let her know that I do care about her (because she claims I don't at all) and I want peace with her as my sister in Christa and, basically it was my last effort at peace with this woman. she hasn't spoken to me since and now this morning she left with lots and lots of stuff in her car. Not sure if she'll really be back. It's so crazy! My other roommate and I have been left flabbergasted and speechless. I'm praying for her now. I've never, ever been in a situation quite like this at all, and it makes all of those little conflicts with other roommates about things like my shredded cheese disappearing seem even more small and pointless. I now see how blessed I have been to always have friends as my roommates, even freshman year when I lived with Myndi. At first we were complete strangers stuck in a room the size of a shoebox together, but within weeks she was one of my best friends at Mizzou, and still is today! I have been so blessed, and now I'm praying for Charlotte. She needs it.
Luckily, I am raking in the dough at Ted's Montana Grill, so I will be able to pay for what is bound to be an enormous electric bill. Oh well, God will provide.
Jason and I got in a little put-put last night. We're not very good, but it was fun. Those holes with the slight upgrade to the hole are killer! Then we both took a round in the batting cages. It took me back to a high school date experience, only this time it was with this man I love. I can just picture us in a year, married, headed to the put-put course and whoever wins doesn't have to take out the garbage for a week or something. It's gonna be great. It also reminds me how young we are! wow, well, even though we're youngin's, we're ready.
okay, final thought. I'm taking an independent study course this summer. I have the books, and I've looked at lesson 1. Have I started? No. Gotta get to that! Until next time...

Okay, no longer in a fragile state...at least today =) The last couple of weeks have been good. Things at Ted's Montana Grill are looking up and I no longer plan on quitting. I applied at 8 other places from pier one to doggy day care, but in the end I haven't followed up on one of them. I think Ted's is the place. So the work situation is back on track, I love living in the same town as Jason...life is good.
Jason's parents met my parents for the first time last weekend, and it was fabulous. Everyone got along so well and it was so special to see Jason and I's love bringing these two world's together. It was really cool. The start of something new and big! It made us want to get married now. There's this little wedding chapel in Nashville pretty close to Jason's house...don't worry, we just can't do it. I don't really know how we're going to make it until January though. Right now it's fine, but next semester is probably going to be the hardest 4 months of our lives. But hey, that's still 2 months away.
Okay, so there's one thing bothering me here now and it's not Ted's, it's not traffic, heck, it's not even the rainy weather. It's my roommate. This girl is really challenging me and I'm praying SO hard to see her and love her like Jesus does. There's a conflict surrounding the air conditioner. A couple times during the two weeks we've lived together I was finding the thermostat at an icy 69 degrees. Hello! It's not even hot yet! So, since I've been wearing a sweatshirt and jeans inside my own home, in June, I decided to ask her if we could come to some sort of compromise. The other girl that lives with us kept just turning the air completely off, and that's not the solution. Frankly I'm deathly afraid to see our utility bill this month. Anyway, I asked her if we could compromise a little. She got really defensive talking about how she works out in her room, she pays more for rent and deserves to be comfortable. Okay, well, could be put it at 75 or 76? Um no, she looked at me as though I had two heads and said that was way too hot to keep a house. Okay, how about 74? 72- okay, 73. So, 73 it is. Well, it hasn't been all that warm lately and she's gone all day long because she works an hour a way. So, my other roommate and I have been turning it up while she's been gone because we're cold and also because we're not rich. Well, last night she noticed that it was up and asked me about it. I explained that it hasn't been that hot and we're trying to save on the electricity bill yah dah, yah dah yah dah. Bad news. I apologized for not repsecting our agreement and then tried to explain where I was coming from. She's a 35 year old pharmacist, I'm a 21 year-old waitress trying to make enough money to not have to work my last semester of school. She proceeds to tell me she's paying more for rent, she deserves to be comfortable, she doesn't care if I have to pay more and if I have to work next semester, she had to work her way through school. Jason was sitting next to me throughout the entire discussion and at one point I had to cover his mouth so he wouldn't say anything he'd regret. It was really hard. Basically from it all I've learned that the only thing that really matters to this woman is her, her comfort, her problems, her. Never mind me being comfortable in the house in my layers of clothing, as long as she's comfy everything is fine. Nevermind my concerns about my financial situation, I should buck up and pay for her to be comfortable, even if it means not saving as much money as I wanted to for my last semester of school Really, I don't matter, oh, and I don't work hard either. Last night I was upset about the whole thing and when I woke up this morning I was just plain pissed. I feel very disrespected by it all, and I'm not sure if I've given the situation justice. I'm not sure if I should tell her how disrespected I feel, or if it's even worth it. I'm praying about how to handle this person I've been thrown into a living situation with. A person I never would have chosen on my own. Crazy stuff.
Life is good, despite the challenging circumstances that come. I am blessed beyond measure and I truly long to take joy in my circumstances, to consider it pure joy when I face trials of many kinds, because the testing of my faith produces perseverance, and perseverance must finish its work so that I am complete, not lacking anything! Praise God. Until next time...

I write in a bit of a fragile state, as my good friend Megan Crowely would call it. Over pancakes at the Pancake Pantry, I found myself fighting tears talking with Jason about my current state. Let's start it off with the good, amazing, fantastic news... My parents signed with the airport, and found their dream house, all in the same weekend. My mom called me Thursday night too excited to even sleep. They were signing with the airport Friday morning and then writing up the contract for an amazing house that afternoon. They wrote up the contract without even seeing the inside of the house! Seeing the outside, its location, its price, and its interior description, they were determined the house was for them, unless the inside was a complete dump. They went in on Saturday at 1pm, the first moment it was oficially on the market. They loved it- loved it is not even strong enough! Anyway, they presented the contract and by 9:30 that night, it was theirs.
I cannot explain how huge this is for my family, and really for me. To see finally coming to fruition what we have been hoping and praying for, for so many years- too many to count. I am blessed beyond measure and my family's happiness is so complete and a beautiful picture of our God's love and absolute provision. He gets all the glory and He is an incredible God.
Okay, so the fragile state. Perhaps such momentous news having to be shared over the phone rather than in person got the ball rolling, or maybe it's the disappointment in my Ted's Montana Grill experience up to this point- I'm not sure. All I know is I'm on the brink of tears. I have some ideas for how to fix it, but I'm not sure if they'll work.
I'm in a new place. I know two people, one of whom is a friend by association (Jason's old roommate), and the other of whom being my future hubby. They're both boys, and sometimes I guess I just need another girl around. My roommates are really nice, but I guess it just takes me a bit to get to know and feel comfortable with people. Ted's isn't doing much business and my first three scheduled shifts are just plain crap. My dreams of top dollars have been flushed down the toilet.
Maybe part of it is missing my dear, dear friends. Megan Retka who was in Singapore last semester, now finding herself back in COMO and being a different person there than she was before (I love you Megan, always) My friend Leslie Robertson to whom I owe so much and love so dearly and have lost any sort of real friendship with (it takes communication) and all the girls at 1321 Paris, whom I love and cherish deeply. I'm finding I have the one here who I love the most, but all of those who matter so much as well are so far away. I feel like I'm currently experiencing the inevitable future, so I better just suck it up and figure out how to move forward. In December I graduate, I leave my friends, I leave the close proximity of CoMO to St. Louis where my family is. I marry the most wonderful and incredible man in the world, and we go off, following the Lord's lead, wherever it may be. Where will it be and will it be like this? This fragile state has caught me by surprise and somehow I'll figure out why it's here, and what to do next.

He is most strong when I am most weak. I will not forget Him, He is here even now.

Fresh, Authentic, Simply Original Experience, that everyone will want to repeat. That is the mission statement of my new place of employment, Ted's Montana Grill. The uniforms are comfy, the atmosphere is cozy and friendly and the food honestly is fantastic. It's gonna be a good summer job. I had orientation yesterday and in about an hour I will begin my training. After reading up on Ted's philosophy and trying desperately to memorize their 20 different burgers, not to mention there specials and soups of the day, the desserts, the drinks, the salads, the kids menu... it compares nicely to cramming for my last final. A memory which is still all too fresh. Despite the crazy amounts of food choices I will be memorizing over the next four days, I really am looking forward to this job. Well, at least as much as anyone could look forward to a waitressing job. I like my manager and I like the philosophy of the place, so I figure I'm off to a good start.
Last Thursday Jason and I embarked on a trip of uncertainty, but hope. We drove 11 hours down to Venice Florida for some relaxation, sunshine, a little Shamu action, and to complete the puzzle of Metting Natalie's enormous family. Jason met my grandparents. Actually my mom's Dad and step-mom to be completely accurate. As we traveled along the highway and I faced challenges such as eating a Wendy's baked potatoe while driving (I wouldn't recommend it) a looming apprehension and dread began to fall over me. I realized that I had never, NEVER, in my 21 years of knowing these people, spent a single, solitary moment with them alone. Never any one-on-one communication. Sure I had seen them at Christmas and usually once in the summer when we went to the lake, but I had always had the buffer of my family, or my cousins, or my aunts and uncles. I realized these people really didn't know me, and I really didn't know them, and I was about to spend 5 days at their house. No buffer, no distractions, just me and Jason.
We pulled into the driveway of their new Florida home at about 9:30. The home is nestled in THE PLANTATION, a lovely community for single families, and retired couples, the majority being the latter. Jason and I gave each other a little pep talk, a quick kiss, and prepared ourselves for what may lay ahead...awkward silences, dinners at 4:30, subject matter of toe surgery and dizzy spells? I rang the doorbell uttering a quick prayer, and when the door opened my fears were releaved. There they were, so excited to see us in a beautiful home. Grandma had made us shrimp scampi and fresh rasberry juice. I was stuffed from that earlier Wendy's baked potatoe fiasco, but I ate anyway. We were welcomed so warmly with dinner at 9:30, not 4:30! The following five days followed suit. Now I'll tell you, there were some bumps in the road.
Big bumps: Jason and I spent all of Friday on the beach. We came home and took showers in preparation for "the Club", grandma and grandpa's country club. I didnt ever realize just how much my grandparetns liked to drink until this trip. They offered us a drink before the club, so we both had a glass of chardonney. No big deal right? Well, I think we got extremely dehydrated in the sun all day and we hadn't eaten in a long time. As I was drinking my chardonney I began to feel as though I was floating above the table. I was talking, but wasn't sure if what I was saying was what I thought I was saying. Basically, I was blown off of one glass of chardonney. I looked at Jason and he appeared to be okay, but then my grandpa asked me to move my car. I asked Jason to come with me, thinking surely he was in a better condition for such a task then me. I found out he was just as loopy as I was. So there we were, after one glass of chardonney, completely blown and trying not to crack up and lead my grandparents on into what was going on. I successfully moved my car and we went off to dinner.
Unfortunately, dinner at the club was lacking. Our meals were over-priced and not that great, but a little white merlo took care of us just fine. As if we hadn't had enough to drink, when we got home they offered us coctails! We laughed to each other and politely declined.
Well, unfortunately my fish from the club came back to haunt me and at 2am I was hugging the toilet begging for it to just leave! I still felt bad in the morning and you would have thought my leg had fallen off the way it ruffled my grandma's feathers. It was pretty funny though, because she was trying to protect their beloved club saying, "surely it wasn't the fish. I bet it was the cheesecake. Sometimes dairy can do that. It was the cheesecake" Okay grandma, it was the cheesecake (it was definitely the fish-don't eat the sea bass, whatever you do...) About noon my stomache finally settled down, and they took us to a restaurant with all seafood and fried food. Just what the doctor ordered for a queezy stomache... AFter the meal, strangely I fetl sick again. Once again I shouldn't have been driving because when leaving the restaurant I backed my car right into a concrete median. Sweet!
Really, I could go on and on about this trip, and I probably will later, but I have run out of time. Ted's is calling! Let's just say in conclusion, I have a nice tan, they loved Jason, and I got to see Shamu for the first time! =) Until next time.....

5/14/2003 12:38:18 PM | Natalie Nester]
So, here I am in Nashville. I'm all moved in to a cozy room in the lower level of a townhouse. I'm about to go mattress shopping because sleeping on my therma rest on the floor all summer just isn't gonna cut it this time. It's so great to be here. I can't believe that the summer has already arrived. I'm here in a new place where I know no one except the man I love. Maybe I'll make some new friends, maybe I'll make lots of money, maybe I'll spend lots of quality time sitting in a chair in my little room getting lost in a book I've been dying to read since I began college and just didn't have the time. Who knows
It's a crazy thing I tell you. While I'm in CO MO all I can think about is getting out, getting away and doing something much more worth while, hence the title "Anywher But Here" I want something bigger, something better, more useful, more exciting, yet when I leave, I can then see how much I truly have there in that sleepy little nowhere town. I have a great house with hard wood floors, and pictures on the mantle and staircase, and a cat named Ally that I've grown to love a pathetic amount. More importantly I have amazing friends, who've become more like sisters. It may sound so cliche but it's true. Sharing my life among 5 others is amazing and I miss it already. I really think I'm getting this nostalgic over the whole thing because this is a preview of the distant but ever-nearing future. I'm getting married. I'm in Nashville for the summer now, but after January it will be home. All of these amazing friends will all be in one place for that final semester, and I plan to ween myself from them by making the 6.5 hour drive at least once a month. But then, everyone graduates, everyone goes on to the bigger and amazing things God has for them out there, away from there. Home will no longer be Columbia Missouri, it will be Kansas City, St. Louis, Chicago, Texas, Nashville, LA, Colorado. Asia, Europe, Chile, Jamaica....Only the Lord knows and I'm thankful for these small glimpses of perspective. I become so dissatisfied with the status quo util it is changed. Then I take the time to look back, to ponder the aching hole in my heart and it's then I realize what is always before me, and what will always be a part of me.
So, I digress. I am here, in a new place, like a little girl on the playground at a new school for the first time. Will anybody talk to me? Will anybody want to play? I guess we'll see. I do know where my foundation lies and it is firm and steady. If you're reading this, you are a part of that and it's wonderful to see so clearly today. Until tomorrow...
[edit]

So, I've started an online diary. Got caught up in the vortex of the blog, diaryland, xanga and the likes. I'm excited about sharing my thoughts and such, at least with the computer and anyone else who wants to take a gander. So, there's two days left in the semester and another one bites the dust. My honey is coming in today, there's really so much more to say, but at the moment I must go. Class is calling. Another wasted hour and 15 minutes of my life on personal and social effectiveness. It's a load of @#*&. Anyway, gots to go. More later in which I will delve into the spicy and exciting details in my life...