Not much to say

And Life Goes On

It's been so long since I've written that now Sophie weighs 16 pounds. I have no good excuse for why it's been so long since I've written. Perhaps its that not much of anything is happening. I don't want to start writing depressing blogs about how life after college isn't quite what we had expected, but, that is a piece of the truth. I think it's hitting Jason harder than myself. Yesterday his temporary job with Lifeway came to an end, and he looked like a little kid whose best friend had just moved away. That innocent sad face of dissapointment and the uncertainty of what to do next. I'm trying to encourage him and remind him of the promises God has given us about our futures, but sometimes I can almost feel hypocritical as I am fighting feelings of confusion and doubt about the future myself.

My big, smart plan was to substitute teach until I found a real job. Well, first it took a stinkin' month for my background check to get back. Now in the last two weeks of being available in their system they've only called my twice. One can understand why I'm no longer feeling confident about this "great" idea I had to substitute teach. Of course there have been interviews, but it's hard when you're interviewing for a job you know in 6 months you would hate going to. There's only one position I've sent my resume to that I'm really excited about and of course it's the one that hasn't set up an interview with me yet. When I spoke with them I was told I'd made it to the top ten and they would call me for an interview. Alas, it's been almost two weeks and not a word. So, do I call and sound overly eager or even desperate? (because I am, but I can't let them know that!) They should offer a course in school called "reality". In this class we would learn that our college degree really means nothing. Employers that really count also want five years of experience. If everyone is looking for this experience then how does anyone get the experience? Entry level positions don't seem to exist anymore, and if they do it's as a salesman, as Jason has found out.

And then there's music. We're making it, but will anyone want to listen to it?

I realize now that up until this point I thought I was living life focused on the right things by working hard in school, making great friends, and building a relationship with the Lord. I see now that although those things were great and important, I should have put more into the Lord than school or anything else. In an instant all of those things are gone, and He's all you have left. Even with a husband. I feel like I am being tested. It's like I'm a year-old infant and my father (God) has let go of my hand so I can see that I can walk on my own. It's okay if I stumble, but it hurts us both. I have what I need to walk, now I just need to believe.
Translation of another Natalie metaphore, God has given me passion and certain abilities. The days of learning how to use them are over. He wants me to use them, he wants me to walk. It's time. My explanation may not make sense. Well, I know what I'm trying to say. Fear is not of God or from God. It should not have any part in our decisions or our aspirations. In times of uncertainty such as just graduating, moving away and getting marrtied, fear is an easy and familiar pillow to put my face in. But I know that if I keep it there it will only smother me. Life is to short not to go for your passions and to important to not use the time to practice what God has created you to do for eternity.

I think I've had too much time to read too many books and now my theology/philosophy has gotten a little jumbled. I'll try to make things clearer next entry. If anything, you are seeing my state of mind through my writing and it's a little scattered to say the least. Until next time. For those who understand, I am The Poisonwood Bible, according to the test. It's scary how accurate the description was. buh-bye

Life with Sophie

Sophie weighs 11 pounds, has floppy white and brown ears, and will make you fall in love with her in 9.2 seconds. This mutt (literally) has entered our home and our hearts and we're having so much fun having a puppy. I just love how everyone smiles when they see a puppy. It doesn't matter who they are or what they were in the middle of. When you walk by with a little white ball of energy with those big puppy eyes and her little puppy gut, not one person can resist breaking into a big smile. I think recieving a puppy kiss is all some people need to have a good day. In fact, I think we should start making it mandatory that puppies and dogs hang out in office buildings, and especially at stressful meetings, so that people will be in a lighter mood. It's hard to get too angry at one of those faces- even when it poos on your carpet. Just a thought.

So, I went to my orientation for substitute teaching and I was all excited to get started this week, but no. My criminal background check hasn't come back yet so I can't start yet =( I applied in December for goodness sakes! I don't understand what's taking so long, and I'm running out of important things to do every day. I'm afraid Sophie is going to have quite a shock when Jason and I are really gone all day at work because right now she's getting so much attention from us! Oh well. Yesterday I went to a college-to-career fair with Jason that his college was a part of. I felt so incredibly awkward. All of these businesses were there and that is just SO not what I'm interested in. There was a place called Youth Villages that works with troubled kids. So, I'm looking into possibly working with them. For some reason I don't think I want to work in social services at all, but that's what I have a degree in so I need to at least check out some possibilities right?! Can someone please just hand me a recording contract now? Please! I'm free, I'm ready, let's go. At this point, even being a background vocalist for Inglbert Humperdink is looking real attractive.

I want to make good music so bad. I must say, there just are not enough female vocalists out there who are a part of the great music. My favorite music comes from Coldplay, Radiohead, badly drawn boy, Jeff Buckley, The Cure, Bob Dylan, Lou Reed, Elliot Smith.... all of these GUYS. Come on! There are some great women out there like Sarah McLaughlin, Dido, Patti Griffin, Alison Kraus, but they're not really rocking. I guess Evanescence is rocking, but kind of annoying at the same time. I don't know, I went CD shopping today and just found myself frustrated that it's so hard to find women voices in quality rock. I want to be that woman! I'm working on it. Until then, I'll just keep playing songs to Sophie.

Looking for a new addition

No, we don't want a baby, we want a puppy! Jason and I are all settled into Nashville. Our apartment is fabulous. We have it all decorated with all of our new stuff and it already feels like home. I start subbing after an orientation this Monday and Jason is applying and interviewing all over the place. His job of choice at this time is to be a special agent for the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation. This is no joke people. He may even have to carry a fire-arm! Crazy. So, now I need a dog to sit at home with me late at night as I worry about my husband who's trying to get some punk to buy drugs from him so he can bust him! It's really not all that serious or worrysome, I just like to dramatize things.

So, I'm done with college, I'm married, we have a nice place to live and comfortable salaries coming our way. You know what has hit me? Jason and I have begun to "realize" the American dream. We have all of these things, we've achieved these "goals" and now here we are. Do I feel more fulfilled than before I'd achieved these things? Nope. I've gotta say, the American Dream has never seemed as empty to me as it does right now. To imagine going on in life from here only to work my 9-5 doing something corporate or boring, even something with social services, and then coming home at night to play with the dog, make some dinner, watch some prime time television. Ah! Life may as well just be over. Now more than ever before I am committed to taking the path less traveled. I'll take the narrow path, the harder path- the path with the greatest reward. I may not become a millionaire in the process. Maybe I'll only be able to scrape by but it's better to be struggling financially while enjoying a life of purpose than to be wallowing in money and emptiness. I just feel like my eyes are opened wider than ever before. I feel like I see something so clearly that most of America has turned its gaze from-the truth.

The American dream is a death trap and currently our society is walking like a herd of cattle straight to the slaughterhouse. It's actually a fair analogy. Cows that are raised for their meat are fed really well. If they think all that really matters in life is getting lots of good grass to eat, than they have a great run before they're killed. But then, it's all for nothing. They don't get anything from eating all of that grass. The farmers are the ones that profit, not the stupid cows. All along they thought they were living the good life, and then just before the stun gun pops them in their head so their throat can be slit it hits them, "I was just a pawn" "it was all a lie. This wasn't really the good life, it was all for another man's profit". If there had been some kind of cow rebellion in which all of the cows rushed one of the fences at one time, they could have easily been free. They wouldn't have had as much grass to eat, and maybe not as comfortable of a place to sleep at night, but they would have been free. The grass would never have tasted so sweet because now they were eating it by choice. Now their life was in their hands again and they were free to roam the plains as it was inteneded, for the rest of their natural days.

Okay, so I'm ranting about cows here, but I'm sure you can make the connection. If not, here's what I'm saying. Americans have been fed lies from as early as they could comprehend a television commercial. "You want this toy, then you'll be the coolest kid in the neighborhood." They begin leading consumer-driven lives by age 8 and many never look back. Many are encouraged by their families that making money and acquiring things for yourself is the main goal in life, so they should get a degree in business, or become a doctor, or whatever will make the most money the fastest. And so many do. They never stop to understand that they're not making choices for themselves. They don't understand that the world of Marketing sees the American public as its ridiculous, gullible little pawns. They don't want people to buy things because it will make their lives better, they want more money for themselves and their own empty lives so they lure in the masses who haven't thought for themselves since age 8. And it doesn't stop with material items for pleasure. That's why affairs happen, that's why murders are committed, that's why drug use is so high. People are trying to find that satisfaction. They're trying to fill the innescapable void that is a life without Christ. But they can't see it. They have no idea what they're missing. Now with moral relativism as our country's accpeted moral stance (it's not okay for me, but if it's okay for you then it's okay...) the absolute truth of Christ and people's need for him has become even more clouded.

Maybe I'll write a book someday, and it will flow much nicer than this previous rant about the cows and their representatin of the majority of our nation. Anyhoo, I guess that just shows what's been on my mind in these weeks that I've been free from school and work. It gives a person time to really think and I like it. And of course I've been thinking about puppies too, cuz I want one. Until next time...

My How Time Flies

Okay, for those of you who enjoy reading my blog I?@APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY FOR HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE I LAST WROTE. LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE I LAST WROTE. IM MARRIED NOW! ANYWAY, SIDENOTE, ‚h AM NOT PUTIING THIS ALL IS CAPS ON PURPOSE. I am on the INTERNET IN JAPAN AND IM LUCKY THIS IS IN ENGLISH. MY HONEYMOON IS QUICKLY COMING TO AN END AS JASON AND I HANG OUT IN THE TOKYO AIRPORT DURING OUR 7 HOUR LAYOVER HERE. IM ACTUALLY REALLY EXCITED ‚`‚a‚n‚t‚s GETTING BACK TO THE STATES AND STARTING OUR REAL LIFE. OUR HONEYMOON WAS FANTASTIC. I WOULD RECCOMMEND PALAU TO ANYONE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU LIKE SCUBA DIVING. IT WAS INCREDIBLE, TRULY AMAZING REALLY. THE REEFS WERE SO FULL OF COLOR AND LIFE. i SWAM WITH DOLPHINS, SHARKS, SEA TURTLES, SCHOOLS OF FISH, EELS, AND LOTS OF AMAZING CORAL. i COULD GO ON FOR DAYS, AND MAYBE I WILL. i PROMISE TO KEEP UP ON THIS JOURNAL FOR REAL FROM NOW ON. JASON AND I WILL BE STARTING OFF IN NASHVILLE, BUT IM NOT SURE HOW LONG WE WILL BE THERE TO BE HONEST. ILL KEEP THIS POSTED AS GOD TAKES US WHERE HE WANTS US TO GO! ITS EXCITING TO THINK ABOUT WHAT IS NEXT. IM REALLY SICK OF WRITING ON A COMPUTER I CANNOT CONTROL, SO IM QUITTING NOW. iLL WRITE VERY SOON. UNTIL THEN...