Mundane

My house is clean. The dishes are done and put away. All 4 members of the family have clean laundry that is folded and in the proper drawers. Why does success at the mundane mean so much? I seriously can breathe easier today than I could yesterday.

Counseling is rocking my life, in a good way, but in a "can we please get this over with as soon as possible?" kind of way. The best way to describe where I'm at right now is in the lyrics of a Waterdeep song:

When you feel like the days just drone on and on and on,
And you feel like the nights seem quickly gone.
On the inside you feel like your heart's just gaping wide.
On the inside you feel like no one's on your side. Well, I AM.

When you thought you could rest but you found out you were wrong
And there's another mean, another battle, another one more thing that comes along
On the inside you hear the fall, but you hate the falling sound
On the inside, you can't pick another broken piece up off of the ground.
Well, I know.

Hush little baby, don't say a word
Daddy's gonna buy you a great big heaven to rest in
He's bought it with blood, He put this seal in your heart
It will give you the hope you need to get up and start, again.

When all the things you thought you left behind are still hanging on
And everything you try to do right just ends up all wrong
And on the inside everyone else seems basically fine
But on the inside, even they won't let go of the dead and cling to what's alive
Well, I AM

And of course as I'm overwhelmed by emotions, Isaac is getting his front teeth in, Amelia is clingy, and Jason is doing a crazy all day adventure race tomorrow. Not to mention this seems to be the weekend of Christmas parties. Deep Breath. Release. Repeat =)

Words I'm Trying To Live By

"In quietness and in trust shall be your strength." Isaiah

I read yesterday that there is a "slow" movement going on in America. Slow food, slow parenting, slow business management. It struck me as funny that it's labeled as a new movement. In my eyes, it's a return to wiser ways from the past that we have lost sight of.

Whenever I read the Bible I rarely feel challenged to do more. Instead I leave with a greater challenge to do less and trust more. spend more time being still, spend more time listening, more time being quiet.

" be still and know that I am God"

"and Jesus went off to a solitary place to pray."

I type this with a baby in my arms and a preschooler asking for Halloween candy at 8am. Slow and quiet sounds amazing. I desire that kind of strength like never before.

Hi Blog

I do have things to say. Really.

Wisdom from Mad Men

Jason and I LOVE Mad Men, and watch it religiously every Sunday. Recently a quote from one of the episodes struck me, and has intrigued me greatly. Speaking to Betty (a house wife) it was said: ''You're like a house cat. You're very important and you have little to do.''

I have struggled with my identity since having Amelia. I don't want to be seen solely as a mother. In response to that though I think I have almost denied that part of my identity at times and have thought it may be a terrible thing for me to become only a stay at home mom, or to phrase it even worse, a "house wife." I don't want to be a house cat! However, as I've thought a lot recently about the role of staying at home full-time vs. working part-time, I'm realizing I need to be more open to the idea of staying home. Above all else I need to consider what is best for my family. No one else can be a mom to Isaac and Amelia. No one else can be a wife to Jason. My own mental health is very important, and my happiness does matter, so don't hear me saying my family should come at the expense of my sanity or happiness. What I am saying is that I need to challenge the notion in my own mind that staying at home full time would be some kind of failure. Failure to not be productive enough, to not use all of my talents and gifts. I just really don't think that would be true, but I've been subconsciously living as if it is.

I've also been thinking about what makes being a stay at home mom so isolating and difficult. The difference I'm finding is that up until the 1950's and 60's, women who were at home with their children were also working from their home. It may have been helping run a family business, it may have been working on the farm. Basically, women weren't spending their entire day alone, thinking only of their children, cleaning the house and cooking a meal. These were parts of their day, but it seems women generally did things with extended family, and with other women in their community. The moms sat on the sidewalk together and talked while their kids played. Or, their kids wandered around the neighborhood while they sat at the table talking and sharing a drink. Being at home did not mean being alone, and it did not mean your life revolving around your children. To state it simply, today in many ways, it does. This is not healthy for mom, and truly not healthy for the kids either.

That's all for now.